Dear David Beckham,

Go Away.

Yeah, I realize you've sleighed more ho's than King Arthur. I realize your wife is smoking hot, in a Martian kind of way. And I realize that all the wives goo goo over you.

But, go away.

I am tired of seeing you on ads and magazine covers looking like some kind of bad ass you're not. Why do you try and look like you just punched through someones sternum, grabbed their heart and took a bite out of it before they hit the floor? Are you an MMA fighter? Are you Bruce Lee reincarnate? Why you always trying to look hard?

Do you realize you're a soccer player? An over the hill soccer player? You ain't Tom Brady. You aint Timberlake. You're a Grass Fairy.

Go style your eyebrows so you look dangerous. Go stuff a potato down your BVD's so it looks like you have root. Go ink yourself up some more so you look like 50. In fact, go shoot yourself 9 times and try not to miss your head.

Or just please, go away.