Richard Reid. Also known as The Shoe Bomber.
Do you remember when airport security was still somewhat normal? Even after 9/11? I mean, we didn't have to strip down anything that wouldn't trip the metal detectors. After all, the only thing the TSA people were looking for were standard issue weapons. Guns, Knives, Box Cutters, Hand Grenades, RPG's etc.
Now they have to be on the lookout for F'ing Shoe Bombs. WTF? The whole process of traveling has changed. And because racial profiling makes people cry, old people and infants who are both currently crapping in their pants as they go through security get a good ole Mexican Federali shakedown.
Over the weekend I saw a 1 year old get stripped of her tiny plastic & rubber shoes to get scanned. Come on, lets use some common sense. How F'ing stupid is that? I mean, there is more plastic & rubber mass in the elastic waistband of my god damn underware than there are in those shoes.
Whats next? Are we going to have to roll through the metal detectors donned in "The Worst Look Ever" so I can send my skibbies through the X-Ray machine?
If thats the case, I'm moving to Vegas and going to work the TSA Sunday morning shift to shakedown all the ho's on their way home from their weekend employment.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Things I Hate: 7
This is so long overdue. Right next to me being able to hear you chew your food, this is up there with some of the all time pet peeves.
Talking on the Cell Phones at the Gym: A contribution by AJ.
"""Cell phones are great, they cause brain cancer, car accidents and let us booty call sharks at 2AM. However, along with this miracle of modern mankind comes some negatives...
Take for example the waste of skin at the gym who blabs away on the bike going just over 11 RPMs, the treadmill going .03 MPH or the guy in the muscle shirt with one hand on the Blackberry and the other on the curl bar.
Now I am sure their are some great reasons to be on the phone at the gym.
You're a doctor on call for emergencies.
You're wife is 8months, 3 weeks and 6 days pregnant and baby be coming any minute.
Ted Striker is on the other end and you are talking him through landing a 747 into Chicago.
Regis called and you need to help your friend decide if the Congo is longer and the Nile for 1 Million bucks.
Or maybe you're such a tool that you need other people to notice you and think you're so important you're taking calls at the gym.
Maybe you should just shut your hole and break a sweat...Hey Alexander G. Bell, if you can carry a conversation you aren't pushing yourself hard enough..."""
-Man, leave that shit in the car for 40 minutes. You're not going to die without it.
I recently (name to remain anonymous) received a text making fun of the no sleeved dude, utilizing his cell phone while getting swoll, at the gym. My response?: "aren't you in the gym also using your cell phone?"
Ted Striker: All time drop!
Talking on the Cell Phones at the Gym: A contribution by AJ.
"""Cell phones are great, they cause brain cancer, car accidents and let us booty call sharks at 2AM. However, along with this miracle of modern mankind comes some negatives...
Take for example the waste of skin at the gym who blabs away on the bike going just over 11 RPMs, the treadmill going .03 MPH or the guy in the muscle shirt with one hand on the Blackberry and the other on the curl bar.
Now I am sure their are some great reasons to be on the phone at the gym.
You're a doctor on call for emergencies.
You're wife is 8months, 3 weeks and 6 days pregnant and baby be coming any minute.
Ted Striker is on the other end and you are talking him through landing a 747 into Chicago.
Regis called and you need to help your friend decide if the Congo is longer and the Nile for 1 Million bucks.
Or maybe you're such a tool that you need other people to notice you and think you're so important you're taking calls at the gym.
Maybe you should just shut your hole and break a sweat...Hey Alexander G. Bell, if you can carry a conversation you aren't pushing yourself hard enough..."""
-Man, leave that shit in the car for 40 minutes. You're not going to die without it.
I recently (name to remain anonymous) received a text making fun of the no sleeved dude, utilizing his cell phone while getting swoll, at the gym. My response?: "aren't you in the gym also using your cell phone?"
Ted Striker: All time drop!
Saturday, October 18, 2008
Facebook is interesting every once in a while for a couple minutes............and then it turns gay again.
Facebook is nothing more than a way to become an electronic pack rat. However, it's not physical and useless crap that you're hoarding, now you're just stockpiling...."friends".
When you're a pack rat you collect pieces of shit. Shit like a clay figurine mice dressed as a Nazi soldiers. And for a day or two it gives you some kind of euphoric boost.
"Dang, these are cool. I have to keep them forever."
But after a day or two you forget about them, never look at them and could care less if you ever see them again. However, you keep the Third Reich because you are a pack rat.
Facebook allows you to electronically collect shit (ie friends). Friends who you haven't heard from, haven't seen or even heard about in 15 years suddenly pop up in your inbox requesting to be "friends."
Wow.........the euphoric boost! "Hey man....how are you? Haven't seen you in half my lifetime, but what are you up to?"
And that conversation might go back and forth a couple times. But then like the Nazi Mice, they just disappear into your collection of crap never to be heard from again.
Facebook is nothing more than a way to become an electronic pack rat. However, it's not physical and useless crap that you're hoarding, now you're just stockpiling...."friends".
When you're a pack rat you collect pieces of shit. Shit like a clay figurine mice dressed as a Nazi soldiers. And for a day or two it gives you some kind of euphoric boost.
"Dang, these are cool. I have to keep them forever."
But after a day or two you forget about them, never look at them and could care less if you ever see them again. However, you keep the Third Reich because you are a pack rat.
Facebook allows you to electronically collect shit (ie friends). Friends who you haven't heard from, haven't seen or even heard about in 15 years suddenly pop up in your inbox requesting to be "friends."
Wow.........the euphoric boost! "Hey man....how are you? Haven't seen you in half my lifetime, but what are you up to?"
And that conversation might go back and forth a couple times. But then like the Nazi Mice, they just disappear into your collection of crap never to be heard from again.
Friday, October 17, 2008
Telemarketers
They always seem to hit at the same time. Dinner time. Any coincidence? No, because we're all at home.
Despite what some would think, I actually try to be courteous to these people until it's time not to be. As gross and as frustrating their job is I understand that they are working and trying to earn a paycheck. I feel that is better & more honorable then receiving a paycheck from The Chrysler. I just try my best not to spend too much time with them.
However, the Telemarketers/Evening callers that I have found new joy in speaking with are....................The Debt Collectors. (no they're not calling for me) (yet)
Apparently some slut named Celia had my phone number before me and didn't like to pay her bills. She probably didn't have a job and probably still doesn't. (bet I know who she'll vote for)
Anyway, these debt collectors call and I immediately paint a picture in my head.
Smoke filled room. Overweight white female or ratty white dude. Rock Star and Kool Menthols on the desk. Meth in the pencil drawer. Now calls me and grills me on the whereabouts of Celia.
No matter what I say or what I've asked, they eventually always call back. Have now for years. So if they're going to call back, I might as well have fun.
"Hi can I speak to Celia?"
"Um...who's calling?"
"That's of a private matter"
"Well you just called my house"
"This is Allied Interstate"
"Allied the Moving company?"
"IS CELIA THERE?"
"No"
"Where is she?"
"How the F do I know cocksucker? She hasn't had this number for the past 4 years, but you methheads continue to call here."
"So you don't know Celia?
"Did I stutter?"
"Why are you getting irate?"
"I'm not, I just don't like you."
......And on and on and on. It's actually a lot of fun. It sharpens the skill of wit. And then when I don't feel like verbal combat, I just save it for another day.
Despite what some would think, I actually try to be courteous to these people until it's time not to be. As gross and as frustrating their job is I understand that they are working and trying to earn a paycheck. I feel that is better & more honorable then receiving a paycheck from The Chrysler. I just try my best not to spend too much time with them.
However, the Telemarketers/Evening callers that I have found new joy in speaking with are....................The Debt Collectors. (no they're not calling for me) (yet)
Apparently some slut named Celia had my phone number before me and didn't like to pay her bills. She probably didn't have a job and probably still doesn't. (bet I know who she'll vote for)
Anyway, these debt collectors call and I immediately paint a picture in my head.
Smoke filled room. Overweight white female or ratty white dude. Rock Star and Kool Menthols on the desk. Meth in the pencil drawer. Now calls me and grills me on the whereabouts of Celia.
No matter what I say or what I've asked, they eventually always call back. Have now for years. So if they're going to call back, I might as well have fun.
"Hi can I speak to Celia?"
"Um...who's calling?"
"That's of a private matter"
"Well you just called my house"
"This is Allied Interstate"
"Allied the Moving company?"
"IS CELIA THERE?"
"No"
"Where is she?"
"How the F do I know cocksucker? She hasn't had this number for the past 4 years, but you methheads continue to call here."
"So you don't know Celia?
"Did I stutter?"
"Why are you getting irate?"
"I'm not, I just don't like you."
......And on and on and on. It's actually a lot of fun. It sharpens the skill of wit. And then when I don't feel like verbal combat, I just save it for another day.
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
The Band-Aid
This morning at Starbucks:
There was no sign of Conrad. There was no sign of Al Davis. But the Band-Aid was there, with his toupee, at 6:50 in the morning, apparently looking to conversate.
He picked the wrong guy.
We've never spoken before. Not even exchanged polite pleasantries. However, I'm sure he's seen me before as I've been going there for 3 1/2 years..........and I think he lives there.
As I stood at my favorite 2x2 sq ft of area in the shop, the sugar counter, The Band-Aid bellies up next to me.
"Hey, the market has really tightened up this morning."
"WHAT? What the hell is going on over at Albertsons?" The Market? The Market!!?
Listen pal, you tell me something crazy about the market, I'm on my way over to Vons to make sure they're not running out of Rocky Road ice cream. I don't care about the market and I don't want to talk to you. I don't like talking to people that I don't know PERIOD, let alone at 6:50 in the morning. Seriously, you're talking to the wrong guy.
I'm already struggling for power and position at the god damn sugar counter trying to box these fools out and be on my way. I don't need to jam up my flow by starting a conversation with some Starbucks groupie who got caught five fingering brownies at Stater Brothers.
There was no sign of Conrad. There was no sign of Al Davis. But the Band-Aid was there, with his toupee, at 6:50 in the morning, apparently looking to conversate.
He picked the wrong guy.
We've never spoken before. Not even exchanged polite pleasantries. However, I'm sure he's seen me before as I've been going there for 3 1/2 years..........and I think he lives there.
As I stood at my favorite 2x2 sq ft of area in the shop, the sugar counter, The Band-Aid bellies up next to me.
"Hey, the market has really tightened up this morning."
"WHAT? What the hell is going on over at Albertsons?" The Market? The Market!!?
Listen pal, you tell me something crazy about the market, I'm on my way over to Vons to make sure they're not running out of Rocky Road ice cream. I don't care about the market and I don't want to talk to you. I don't like talking to people that I don't know PERIOD, let alone at 6:50 in the morning. Seriously, you're talking to the wrong guy.
I'm already struggling for power and position at the god damn sugar counter trying to box these fools out and be on my way. I don't need to jam up my flow by starting a conversation with some Starbucks groupie who got caught five fingering brownies at Stater Brothers.
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
A Public Service Announcement from AJ
Things WE Hate:
"""I think we can all agree the new millennium has brought about many changes that have benefited society as a whole. HDTV, DVRs, Online Bill Pay, Internet, emailing, etc. What about one of the alltime convenient and simplistic inventions of all time. The Debit Card?
However, there are those who long for the old days and refuse using those complicated card swipe machines found at every register in every type of store on the planet (yes even Mexico).
These fossils choose to kick it old school and manually scribe the name of the store, amount (both numerical and alphabetical), look up the date, and then sign their name. In the amount of $3.14.
I guess this is ok…...when your not one of the 15 people in line behind them. We must wait our F'ing turn to buy 2 things, swipe our card and get on with our life in under 2 minutes.
My favorite part is waiting for this person to fish their ID out of their wallet so the clerk can write down their driver's license number on their check. Seriously..if you are writing a check, shouldn't you expect to show your ID?
There is ample time to prep your check prior to greating the clerk. But some refuse. Inconsiderate and uneccessary.
Maybe those people in Logan's Run were on to something…"""
Wow, Logans Run!!!! Great pull! I'll roll to Sanctuary with that ho any day.
"""I think we can all agree the new millennium has brought about many changes that have benefited society as a whole. HDTV, DVRs, Online Bill Pay, Internet, emailing, etc. What about one of the alltime convenient and simplistic inventions of all time. The Debit Card?
However, there are those who long for the old days and refuse using those complicated card swipe machines found at every register in every type of store on the planet (yes even Mexico).
These fossils choose to kick it old school and manually scribe the name of the store, amount (both numerical and alphabetical), look up the date, and then sign their name. In the amount of $3.14.
I guess this is ok…...when your not one of the 15 people in line behind them. We must wait our F'ing turn to buy 2 things, swipe our card and get on with our life in under 2 minutes.
My favorite part is waiting for this person to fish their ID out of their wallet so the clerk can write down their driver's license number on their check. Seriously..if you are writing a check, shouldn't you expect to show your ID?
There is ample time to prep your check prior to greating the clerk. But some refuse. Inconsiderate and uneccessary.
Maybe those people in Logan's Run were on to something…"""
Wow, Logans Run!!!! Great pull! I'll roll to Sanctuary with that ho any day.
Saturday, October 4, 2008
Having the Newest Gadgets
Those who know Carl, know that Carl has never been one that needs the latest and greatest. I'm simple with simple needs. I don't go run out and get the latest iPod or iPhone. I don't have state of the art media equipment at the house. I'm actually surprised that I have HDtv & DVR.
However.
I am ready to make an impulse buy on a new gadget.
You know those heavy duty, triangular, solid steel, ramming things that are on the front of trains? Those things that can move cars or large objects off the tracks as the trains wiz by? I'm going to install one of those things on the front of the Fusion and ram ever muther sucker that enjoys driving 20 miles an hour slower than the speed limit.
However.
I am ready to make an impulse buy on a new gadget.
You know those heavy duty, triangular, solid steel, ramming things that are on the front of trains? Those things that can move cars or large objects off the tracks as the trains wiz by? I'm going to install one of those things on the front of the Fusion and ram ever muther sucker that enjoys driving 20 miles an hour slower than the speed limit.
Friday, October 3, 2008
The Worst Look Ever: Part 2
I know you've seen this guy.
They guy with the bald head (but shaved), hoop earing, goatee, .............and an NFL jersey. .................But it's Wednesday.
This look is the worst(second worst). Come on....I know that you know this guy. He's the guy you've seen in that photo. The photo of him at his 2yr olds birthday party, ....chin up....wearing his raiders jersey, with his homeboys, throwing up the "West Side", with NO smile.
Possible Accessory: Flat Bill Hat
Extra points for those kooks who put their OWN name on the back of their jersey
They guy with the bald head (but shaved), hoop earing, goatee, .............and an NFL jersey. .................But it's Wednesday.
This look is the worst(second worst). Come on....I know that you know this guy. He's the guy you've seen in that photo. The photo of him at his 2yr olds birthday party, ....chin up....wearing his raiders jersey, with his homeboys, throwing up the "West Side", with NO smile.
Possible Accessory: Flat Bill Hat
Extra points for those kooks who put their OWN name on the back of their jersey
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Things I Hate: 6
"Hello, this is Sir Dr. Carl Limar MD, PhD, MBA & JD"
Have you ever been on the receiving end of a telephone call where someone, that you don't know, introduces themselves as Dr?
Unless you are my personal physician, I don't give an F who you are. I'm not going to bow to you like your fat office staff that you crap all over does.
Should I respect you any more than the next guy because you went to school for a long time?
Leave your God complex at the door.
The irony is that I'd give you better treatment if you played Joe Normal as opposed to trying to gain better treatment playing the Dr. Card.
Have you ever been on the receiving end of a telephone call where someone, that you don't know, introduces themselves as Dr?
Unless you are my personal physician, I don't give an F who you are. I'm not going to bow to you like your fat office staff that you crap all over does.
Should I respect you any more than the next guy because you went to school for a long time?
Leave your God complex at the door.
The irony is that I'd give you better treatment if you played Joe Normal as opposed to trying to gain better treatment playing the Dr. Card.
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