Living proof the Devil exists....

Weeds.

In my yard, I have earned my stripes. I've put in enough hours to rename myself Manuel. I tend to my plants, trees, flowers & grass on a daily basis. If I don't they will surely die. The perfect storm of crappy growing conditions exist in my yard. The laws of nature and physics are defied in my yard. It is a constant battle.

However.

I could turn my sprinklers off, leave for 10 days and return to weeds that have grown out of the cracks in my god damn patio. Weeds that are 3 feet tall and greener than the Amazon. While everything else is dead.

Weeds are made up of the same molecular structure as plants and flowers right? They need the same things to live right? Then how in THE hell do they grow and thrive while everything you want to grow dies out?

Satan

Economy vs our Socio-Economic Classes

Society, in all its forms, has been hit hard. Whether it be the stock market, out of control oil prices, the credit crunch or the housing disaster.

We all feel it one way or another. Some more than others, but ALL of our Socio-Economic classes are feeling the pinch. All FOUR of them. Here's how they rank, from the least impact to the biggest impact.

Upper Class - The rich folk.
These people are about to be totally pissed off when their taxes get raised to 75% when the Chrysler takes office next year. However, their rich. They're always going to have money. Nobodies starving here.

The Lower Class - The poor folk.
These people are getting CRUSHED. They can't afford gas to get to their minimum wage job and they just had their houses foreclosed on because they got suckered into mortgages they had no business getting into.
However, many are god fearing people and realize money doesn't bring happiness. They'll manage.

The Middle Class - The folks in the middle
Don't know where they stand. Some are migrating up to the Upper class. Some are slipping down to the lower class. The middle class of America is deteriorating.
Feel bad all you want, but remember many of these people getting pushed out are like the Jeffersons............movin' on up.

The 4th Class, and the ones taking these economic times the hardest is.......

The "C" Class
The Mercedes "C" Class driver is suffering the most.
Before this fake luxury car hit the market, a Mercedes was reserved for the top echelon of our society. They earned it, they drive it.
Then the affordable "C" class gave every wannabe the opportunity to pretend they are a Mercedes owner. *(A full breakdown of the C Class driver is for another day)
The "C" Class driver is having such difficult economic times just like the rest of us. Commissions at the shoe department at Nordstroms have been down and the $285/mo lease is becoming increasingly difficult.
The "C" Class person now needs to return the fake luxury car in exchange for a Scion or a Moped.
These people have not only lost their fake vehicles, but their whole fake existence has now been shattered.

Field Of Dreams

Great Kevin Costner movie where he builds a baseball field in his corn. Where the outfield ends is where the rows and rows of corn start. All of history's famous baseball players play ball there everyday and then retreat into the 8' tall corn. As they get deeper into the corn, they simply vanish.

I was sitting at a stoplight at a very busy intersection of a fairly prominent part of town today. On my right side was a housing development and a high end strip mall. On the left of me, hills, brush, canyon.


A group of......"day laborers" happen to be crossing the street in front of me. All seem to have ended their hard days work, got their groceries and moving on.

As they got to the other side of the street I was expecting them to head on down the sidewalk. Instead, took a 90 degree turn and headed into the......corn. Dudes just simply vanished. One by one in the 3 foot canyon brush.

The Bike Lane

As I fly by and buzz the elbows of my favorite athlete, I take note where they are in the bike lane. It looks as though the lane is about 5 feet wide. Not that it matters though, it could be 10 feet wide and the grape smugglers won't stay in it.

They don't like to ride "in" the bike lane, they prefer to ride "on" the bike lane line.

They slolem the line like they're failing a field sobriety test for CHP.

I drive a nice big car and on narrow roads I'm forced to veer into oncoming traffic and play chicken so I don't knick their elf shoes.

Nah. That in no way is a road hazzard.


Hey, no problem my friends. Keep doing what your doing. Keep cooking those hemroids every saturday morning with your 150 mile slolem through our city streets.

Dream Catcher

You ever notice a dog sound asleep kicking its leg and twitching every few seconds? You ever wonder what its dreaming about. Chasing cats or maybe running after cars.

Wouldn't it be interesting to get inside something or someones head during a dream? I watch my kid sleep all the time. I watch him toss and turn, grunt and twitch. I always wonder what he's thinking.

Tonight I got my first in-site into the mind of my 2 year old. Apparently he's a sleep talker.

What was it?

Playing with trucks? Watching the garbage truck? Throwing food? Jumping on dad? Sitting in the front seat of my car pretending to drive?

Nope.

Elmo! Elmo!

Comment of the Day...

I'm driving home from work and I'm on a busy 4 lane road. I come to a stoplight and I'm behind a Prius with stupid bumper stickers. Peace signs, Free Tibet, Bush Lied, yada yada yada.

Light turns green. 2 Minutes into my forward progress, I'm still moving 4 miles an hour. 2 MPH slower than being behind bicyclists.

Sooooo, I decide to give him the business and have my bumper sniff his bumper. He eventually moved over so I could pass. As I go by, I notice the hippie with his foot up on the dash smuggly and sarcastically giving me the thumbs up as I went by, as if I'm "a cool guy."

Whatever hippie.

Then I hit the next stop light and hippie boy lands right next to me. Windows rolled down I say (politely):

"If you want to drive around high listening to Air America, that's fine, just don't do it in the fast lane. Some of us have stuff to do in their lives."

His response?

Nothing. Just continued the thumbs up with his hippie braceletts and a stupid look on his face.

Perhaps he did say something, but it was soooo delayed, I was already 2 miles down the road.

Bizarre Foods 3

Mr. Zimmern. Did you have a grand time in Beijing? Where you able to find all the delicacies your fat, little, troubled heart desires? Did the clouds part way and a beam of light come shining down on ..........."The House of Penis"? Did you run to it like a little kid sprinting to the line of a roller coaster?

Yeah, he did it. He found a restaurant that SPECIALIZES in serving,.........penis.

Yak penis, tortoise penis, deer penis, ox penis, snake penis. Snake penis?

This sick bastard has lost my viewership. This sick bastard almost made my wife boot on her pillow.

Oh, yes, while he smiled with yummy delight at the taste and texture of the peni, the local he was with was turning green with every bite off the chopstick.

I swear to god if it was possible, Zimmern would slice off his own Johnson, sautee it in butter and enjoy every last morsel.

The worst look ever...

Everybody, at least once, has made this fashion faux pus. It's far worse than anything that came out of the 80's. Worse than the pegged pants or butt tight Magnum PI shorts. It's worse than the dirt we wore in the 90's when our clothes smelled exactly like they looked since wardrobes were furnished by Good Will & the Salvation Army.

This look isn't necessarily a fashion statement. You kinda just fall into this situation.

Imagine yourself or anybody you know, donning a T-Shirt & socks. Thats It.

White athletic socks and a t-shirt of your choice. Preferably one that simply drapes right to the belt line.

There are only 2 acceptable times when this look is to be worn.

1) If your completely F'ing weird.

2) You are absolutely annihilated, your arms are wrapped around the toilet bowl and the noises coming out of you are from Hell itself.

Don't lie. You know you've been there. And when you're there it aint good. I am curious though, to know what conscious or ......unconscious decision we make when we think that stripping off everything but those 2 items is the appropriate action. Why not the socks and shirt and just roll with the pants? At least we might look cool.

There can't be a more low moment in your life when you wake up, in the bathroom, looking like that, ass frozen & trying to piece together what the hell you did the night before.

At least your feet kept warm.

Reason #3 I Rule...

His name is Fred. I did not give him his name.

I have never met Fred, however he is always with me. I don't know what Fred looks like, other than what I've seen in 7th grade science class. I'm not even exactly sure Fred is a he.

Never the less, we have a symbiotic relationship and I hope Fred is here to stay.

Fred is my tapeworm. I do not know how or when I got him. I don't know where he came from. If I had to guess, I would say.......................a place with some derivative of "Bertos" in its name.

I have the uncanny ability to eat 4 jars of Crisco, per week, and not gain a pound. My belly is a bottomless pit that can absorb the punishment of pizza, beer, steak and candy at a single sitting. Then when I complain that I'm stuffed, put down a bowl of icecream.

Where does it go? I don't know. Ask Fred. Fred must be the size of a god dammed fire hose.

I'm 33 and quite possibly the only one I know who complains of not being able to fit in his clothes because they've become............to big.

I guess I shouldn't complain. I should feel happy. I just assume enjoy it while it lasts. There WILL be a time when Fred dies, my habits don't change and I become the poster child for Jenny Craig.

Punchin' the Bag

No, not that. Get your mind out of the gutter. I'm not talking about mugging the Kojak doll or flogging the dolphin, I'm talking about punching the heavy bag.

I've done all kinds of workouts in my life. Light & heavy weight training. Rapid fire cardio as well as endurance. Various sports that alter how your body looks, works and responds.

I hung a heavy bag in the garage and now break a sweat a few times a week working the bag. I never realized what a good workout it could be. Gets the heart going, gets the sweat moving and you can feel it in the muscles from your legs to your finger tips. Since I can't even remember how to spell Gim let alone remember how to get there, a good workout in the garage is all I need.

Added benefits to this new workout are:

1) I can get stuff done without leaving the house.
2) It keeps hand eye cordination sharp.
3) I've been missing that aggressive release. I'm tired of beating my wife

Next up is I'm going to clear a path up the hill behind my house, put a Kangaroo headband on and sprint like Walter.