Reason #3 I Rule...

His name is Fred. I did not give him his name.

I have never met Fred, however he is always with me. I don't know what Fred looks like, other than what I've seen in 7th grade science class. I'm not even exactly sure Fred is a he.

Never the less, we have a symbiotic relationship and I hope Fred is here to stay.

Fred is my tapeworm. I do not know how or when I got him. I don't know where he came from. If I had to guess, I would say.......................a place with some derivative of "Bertos" in its name.

I have the uncanny ability to eat 4 jars of Crisco, per week, and not gain a pound. My belly is a bottomless pit that can absorb the punishment of pizza, beer, steak and candy at a single sitting. Then when I complain that I'm stuffed, put down a bowl of icecream.

Where does it go? I don't know. Ask Fred. Fred must be the size of a god dammed fire hose.

I'm 33 and quite possibly the only one I know who complains of not being able to fit in his clothes because they've become............to big.

I guess I shouldn't complain. I should feel happy. I just assume enjoy it while it lasts. There WILL be a time when Fred dies, my habits don't change and I become the poster child for Jenny Craig.