What am I, a magnet?

WTF is wrong with some people? Do they like the way my breath smells? Do they feel compelled to rub up against my hairy arms?

What is the psychosis behind the "close talker" and the "close walker".

You know that guy......the close talker. They're the ones who invade your space while having a conversation. Why do people feel compelled to be so close. Dude, you're too F'ing close to me!!

There is a common courtesy, a common sense and a general muther sucking unwritten rule! I don't want to touch noses with you while discussing daily events unless your name is Lisa.

And then there is the "close walker". (usually the same person). I know god dammed well that you don't want to hold hands with me, so why do you close in like we're magnetized? I move a foot away and you follow. Soon enough it's becoming obvious that you're putting me into a fucking wall, can't you see that? Can't you see that my arms are grazing stucco and metal on some building because you're steering me like I'm cattle? Can't you see that I keep dodging and weaving, ......in....... behind .......and around you like a bee following some kids ice cream cone? Don't you see that as pretty weird? Are you making a mental note of me and say, "Jesus Christ, this dude is strange, what the hell is he doing." Will it ever occur to you that you are the problem?

What am I supposed to say? Get the fuck away from me?

The Last Man Standing

You've heard this term before.

It usually applies to:
The last man alive on the field of battle.
The last gladiator alive in the arena.
Hulk Hogan in the cage match after he choked out all his oponents with some barbed wire.

To me, it became an F'ed up sign of aging.

Upon studying my face in the mirror, I noticed this lone soldier strand of hair jetting out in the middle of my forehead. I wondered..........how the F did this mutant hair get all the way out there? Hey little buddy, are ya lost?

Unfortunately, it wasn't a mutant, but marked the spot where my hair line used to be.

For it......was The Last Man Standing.

but he's gone now too.

46

You can't drink the 46, it tastes like Scotch.

C'mon, lets face it. Scotch tastes like Diesel, but people drink it. They drink it because it's cool & trendy. It's the same reason why someone will spend $90 on a T-shirt made in Taiwan if it has a cool fashion label on it. It's cool & trendy.

Makers Mark unveiled their new bottle of swill called.............46. It produced a kick ass bottle with a new taste. The issue is, is that it doesn't taste like Makers Mark. It doesn't have that distinct, rich, oaky flavor. It tastes like Scotch.

That is where Makers missed the mark, pun intended.

Since there has been an explosion of people drinking Scotch, Makers is trying to capitalize on the phenomenon. Here's the problem, people aren't going to buy a brand of whisky to drink Scotch. Remember..........Scotch tastes like shit. People want that ass tasting bottle of scotch in front of them because it looks cooler to taste on shit than it does to sip on whisky.

And yes. I won the blindfolded taste test between the two. It was like a fat boy vs a piece of cake. It wasn't even close.

Reason #100 that I am an Asshole....

My impatience sometimes gets the best of me.

Sometimes I do things that make me feel so small and tiny that I wish I could reverse time just a few seconds and have a do-over.

I was late yesterday. I had somewhere to go. The Earth would crumble if I didn't get to my destination in 20 minutes and on time. There were too many people in my way and keeping me from being punctual to my softball game.

While waiting to make a left turn at a stoplight, I waited impatiently behind a grey minivan. Light turns green and I needs to f'ing go right? 5 Seconds after the light turns green the minivan slowly starts to inch forward. Slowly inching forward in a jerking fashion I start to engage his bumper with my fist in the air hoping he can glance me in his rear view mirror. I give a little beep and then at my first opportunity crank the wheel, hit the gas and take him on the outside lane like Cole Trickle.

As I hit the shoulder on the outside, my engine redlining, got one hand on the wheel and the other the air...........I glance into the van.

No I didn't. No I F'ing just didn't see what I think I'm seeing. God dammit.

I see a familiar blue tag hanging from the rear view mirror. I look more closely and notice the over sized bus driver steering wheel with the knob you can hang on to and the morphic hand gripping it.

It was a paraplegic.

C'mon God! Really?! Is this your idea of a lightning strike on a clear day?

This poor guy is probably operating the gas pedal with his mouth and using one hand to grip the steering wheel, and here I am with 2 wheels up on the curb fist pumping around the corner.

For the next 2 miles I couldn't make myself small enough to disappear into my seat. For the next 2 miles, I prayed this guy wouldn't catch up to me at any other stoplights.

Just shameful.

Thought of the Day

At least once a month you can catch some kind of UFO story online or on some tv documentary story. Do they exist? Are they aliens?

How many encounters have been documented? Cover ups? Is it really our military and we often mistake test missiles headed to Mexico City as Unidentified Flying Objects?

Here's a theory I've never heard before.

Time travelers.

An unidentified flying object could be a machine from 500 years from now. That could be possible can't it? The whole martian looking creature has been created to enhance the story, however you can't discredit the fact that there have been strange sightings of non natural objects in the air.

Think of the technology possible 500 years from now. Hasn't the theory of relativity been proven, but we just don't necessarily know how to implement it?......yet?

On the other hand 2012 is a year and a half away, it'll be the end of the world and the terrorists have won.

The Oil Spill in the Gulf

Oil in the ocean sucks. I know oil is important and we need it, but the sooner oil can become a commodity of the past, the better off we'll be.

The oil spill in the gulf has now hit the environmentally sensitive coastline and could be there forever.

A year ago, The Chrysler dropped a monetary nuclear bomb on us, our kids and our grand kids and their grand kids called the Stimulus package.

More money that you can comprehend to jump start the American economy and get shovel ready Americans back to work (and of course satisfy every socialist agenda pet project Democrats have been storing like nuts for the past 30 years)

So now it's time to put up or shut up. I can find you tens of thousands of people in the gulf region that are currently not working. Use your stimulus and get all of these people on the beaches with 20,000 rolls of Brauny and start mopping up that crude.

Conspiracy Theory of the Day.

Damn those Chinamen are smart. It is common knowledge that China is the present day Soviet Union for us. How often do we here about moles, spies, cyber warfare between us and the Chinese? They are ruthless and crafty and we should be scared of them.

Even though they would smoke us if a war ever broke out, it's just not going to be necessary.

Just like Mexico taking over the US through immigration is referred to as "being conquered without a single shot fired."

The Chinese will infiltrate us and take us over without a single shot fired.

I caught my 3 1/2 year old speaking Chinese yesterday. Yes, you've heard me correctly. Speaking Chinese sitting on my bed.

There is a god dammed show on a children's TV network called Ni Hao, Kai-Lan. And yes, they are teaching our youngsters how to speak F'ing Chinese. I know you've seen these bastards, but possibly haven't paid much attention to it.

I'm all up for teaching youngsters different languages, but wouldn't it seem a bit more appropriate to start with something like.........Mexican?

I bet, if you found the root producers of this Ni Hao, Kai-Lan, you'd introduce yourself to the spy network of the PLA, Public Liberation Army of China.

We are so F'ed.

Thought of the Day

Port-a-Johns, Honey-Huts, Irish Spaceships..........whatever you want to call portable restrooms; provide a unique setting for you to fart while taking a leak and not worry who is in line behind you.

Cuz it just doesn't matter.

The Handicapped Stall

I think, by code, all commercial places of business must have handicapped dumping facilities. That would either be a single restroom, which has the handrail to assist the physically disabled OR the nice, over sized, luxurious stall in a heavily trafficked restroom area.

I like using these.

I don't understand why people shy away from the stall with more than enough elbow room, a butler serving hor'dourves, and enough space for push ups in case you're on your first date and need to get in an emergency swell.

I'm not trying to be rude to the less fortunate who need the accessibility of a larger stall, but they were not built for the sole reason of THEM using it. They were built so they COULD use it. Nowhere in the public crapping rulebook does it say the general population can't use it.

All I'm saying is, the chances are SO remote that you'll tie up the handi-stall while a true person of need is waiting outside with his brow sweating because he's about to shit his chair. If that happens, dude, it's just not your day and you'll be crowned king of the A-holes.

Carl is in Big F'ing Trouble.....

She never said she was 16!

By the time she got to my hotel room, I was already a 40 of St. Ides and an 8ball deep. She was looking like 21, minimum your honor.

It was consentual your honor. And when she was cuttin' up those lines for us, I thought she was using her Drivers License, not her Library Card.

"Man, Iz been set up like a mutha sucka."

Reality TV

If you can think it.............it's already been done. Reality tv is hour after hour of continuous train wrecks that you can't keep your eyes off of.

My all time favorites though, have been when a bunch of losers are forced to live with each other and somehow learn to co-exist. The Real World, Big Brother, etc.

The producers and casting directors of these shows search for the biggest bunch of degenerates that could occupy the same space at the same time underneath one roof and simply watch the carnage unfold.

THIS, however, has yet to be done. THIS is what I'd like to see:

8 Strangers, forced to live in the same house. 4 Jews,........ 4 Arabs.

Instead of "The Jersey Shore" it'll be called, "The Gaza Strip."

Talk about ratings! Imagine the anxiety of the 4 Jews every time Akbar walks out of his room wearing a backpack?

Priceless television

Thought of the Day

Land lines & cell phones.

Everybody has their home land line as well as their cell phones. Everyone answers their home phone as hello, but their cell phone as "this is carl"

There are multiple people living in a house (usually) so wouldn't it make more sense to answer your home phone "this is carl"? Therefore, the person on the other end might not have to guess at who answers. That could potentially be an embarrassing moment if your wife tends to have an unusually deep voice from old steroid use. Answering a phone with multiple users and Identifying yourself could save somebody the humiliation of mistaken identity.

When I call your cell phone, why the hell do you answer with your name....."this is carl"? I know who I'm calling, you don't have to remind me when you answer. When calling a personal cell phone shouldn't that be more appropriate for just a "hello"?

Just a thought.

The Commercialization of Becoming a Badass

If you took Karate back in the day, you were one of a very few. You were probably tougher than the average joe and you probably had some skill.

Today, Karate is so manufactured that it's sad. Parents spend a ton of money to get junior to go to karate lessons so his ginger ass doesn't get stomped on in school. But do they really learn anything or do they just get to drop the........."Don't F with me, I'm a 2nd degree blackbelt"?

Bull crap. Parents spend all of this money at the Cobra Kai Dojo and Sensei has no choice and obligated to graduate his 7 year olds into yellow & green belts. That's ridiculous.

I saw an overprivileged, soft, upper middle class kid with his green belt heading into the YMCA. First off, you don't become a badass learning your KungFoo at the Y.

I saw him and was like, Nana Betty with her osteoporosis could kick your ass. You wouldn't even be able to defend yourself. You couldn't even defend yourself in a game of Space Invaders fat boy.

I've seen in first hand where a 4 year old graduated to a yellow belt simply because enough money had been spent and enough time had past, yet simple instructions such as "look at me, and stop biting you nails" could not be followed.

If that's really all it takes to be a certifiable ninja, becoming a blackbelt should be on a short list of things to accomplish in life.

Urinals

Mans great invention.

You get to pretend you're talking a piss in the snow or in a bush, but you actually get to stand up and piss on a wall. Inside a building.

A great invention.

They are pretty sick though if you think about it. How many roots have defiled these urinals?

But.........it's collateral damage for such a great thing.

Damage like the everlasting presence of "the pube". There's always going to be a stray, on every urinal. What I don't get is when you muscle up to the pisser and it looks as though someone just got a haircut.

My first question is, who the F has 4" long pubes? 2nd Question is what is with the abnormal pube release? Did somebody get angry and say "Dammit, I have too many pubes, " and just start ripping them out? Perhaps they are currently undergoing chemo and they just shook out when he unwrapped his unit. Similar to unwrapping the dried out Christmas tree that you get from Home Depot.

They guys selling gum, cologne and cigarettes should keep a Dustbuster handy.

Career Day with the FAA

Remember Career Day in elementary school and junior high? The day where your parents would come in and talk about what they do for a living? Well today was career day for one lucky chap who's daddy brought him to work directing airplanes as an air traffic controller.

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,587801,00.html

Daddy would give Jr the instructions, and the little boy relayed to the pilots listening in. It was all for fun and I'm sure it was real cute, but shouldn't some types of occupations be held to a different degree of responsibility? If chappy wants to spend the day in the bakery with his pops to see how he makes muffins, no problem. However, the air traffic control room (one of the most stressful work environments around) is not a place for kids. Even for innocent reasons as this.

Should we all just assume it should be "Let's bring our kid to work day"? No matter what your job is? We'll give Jr the instructions as if this were his job, and he can carry out the duties.

Could you imagine?

Little Jimmy accompanies his pappy on a Police raid of a meth lab drug house who currently has 5 illegal mules as hostages. Little Jimmy gets his instructions, grabs the megaphone and..............."COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP OR I'LL BLOW YOUR FUCKING FACE OFF, WE'VE GOT YOU SURROUNDED"

How about Melvin with his old man performing spinal surgery. "OK, partner, get ready to cut that cord..........whoa whoa whoa..........no little buddy, the other one."

"OK, pumpkin, do you see that Taliban guy with a robe tying those wires to that big bomb in the road? Ok, gentle squeeze this trigger"

WTF. There are certain jobs that simply have no business including anybody except the professionals trained to do them.

Question of the Day

The Olympics are pretty cool. Most events are entertaining and fun to watch. Some events though, you wonder if they were simply conjured up out of thin air.

The Biathalon. Don't get me wrong, it's interesting and seems to take an enormous amount of skill and discipline. However, this is an Olympic sport where you ski on flat land then stop and shoot things with the Olympic issue sniper rifle with live ammo.

There are many things in life that simply don't go together. Oil & Vinegar, wives and fun, Olympic skiing and guns. Imagine the damage that could be done.

Question of the day.

If you are an event participant or spectator and Team Palestine shows up with skiis, an AK and multiple banana clips, do you submit an immediate protest?

Thought of the Day

We take a lot of things in life for granted. We all do it and we do it in different ways for different things. Some take their friends or family for granted. Some take for granted the nice stuff they have. Others might take their health for granted.

Growing up in Southern California we take LOTS of things for granted. Lifestyle, activities, clean environment and most of all, Good looking people.

I don't care who you are, where you're from or what case you make, in whole SoCal has the best looking people on the planet. The best looking, the most fit and the most in shape.

Growing up here, we take that for granted. We take for granted that even if we hit a HomeTownBuffet for dinner there will be good looking people there. The beach, the gym, the mall etc. They're everywhere and you never think twice about it because we take it for granted.

With that in mind:

People from the east coast are F'ing ugly. I'm 'not' saying all and I'm not saying there aren't areas of greatness. But it's reality that the east coast isn't pumping out Playmates daily. I've been there, I go there, I've lived there and I see it on TV every day.

Why are they so Fug? I mean, everywhere you turn........ugly, fat, bad teeth, purple ankles. Why?

Not too long ago I was there. I happened to be at a kids play gym. 100 kids with 200 parents. Guess what? The kids weren't really bad looking. It was their parents.

Bad air? Bad water? Too much Buffet? Not enough sun? I don't know.

To draw a conclusion. People out there aren't born ugly, .....they just Get ugly.

So if you can't run through hot chicks when your 5, your fucked. Cuz apparently they only go downhill from there.

Movie Review

Have you ever seen those nationalistic & patriotic feel good movies like Rocky IV or Victory?

Movies like these take place in a distant land in unfriendly territory. They portray the American as the villain and evil. They boo him, they spit on him, they cheer for his defeat. Yet as the movie goes on the crowds begin to sympathize with the American, they begin to cheer for the American and even begin to root against their homeland.

Come on. Seriously? How ridiculous is that? Are you telling me that Rocky Balboa wins the hearts and minds of those behind the Iron Curtain in the Soviet Union, simply because he can take 1300 punches to the face from Ivan Drago? Are you saying that the WWII Allies POW soccer team wins over the crowd in Nazi Germany? To the point where the stands empty and they help them escape imprisonment?

Imagine a boxing match or soccer game being held in Texas where the main event is Appolo Creed versus Osama Bin Laden or Khalid Sheikh Mohammed. Do you really expect if those two suitcase bombers put on a good showing that our tough, homegrown American cowboys are really going to turn on Creed? They're going to cheer on the bad guys and applaud their victory?

No. If anything, Tom Billy is going to come down from the stairs, grab a metal chair and slam it over the back of Bin Laden WWF style.

Keep it real.

One of the great food shows on TV right now is Man Vs. Food. It's a show about this guy Adam Richman who travels across the country to find the best eateries that are known for ridiculous and massive amounts of food. It's total War of eating.

Today was Carl Vs. Food. I went to war with a burrito. However it wasn't because of its unusual size. Today marks the first time in my life I've ever been injured eating food.

My god damned burrito stabbed me in the face. The hardened, sharpened corner of the tortilla stabbed me in my god dammed face, punctured my lip and drew blood. At first I didn't have a clue what had just happened except for something hurt.

I kept chewing, but hesitantly. Like a 7 year old biting into that mini snickers bar that they got from the weird house on Halloween. Did I have a razor in my lunch? Was it a piece of glass? I mean, I'm eating a burrito one second and in pain & bleeding the next. WTF?

What are the chances of that? THAT ain't taco sauce amigo.

Hall of Fame

It's a slow week in the NFL, which is surprising since it's Super Bowl week. For an odd reason there's not much to talk about with the Super Bowl itself. It's a great matchup and lots of marquee players, but the only thing talked about is:

1) If Dwight Freeney will play
2) Peyton Mannings legacy

Thats it. Boring.

So to mix things up I guess, it was Hall of Fame hour this morning on the radio. The topic was if Jerry Rice and Emmit Smith are 1st time ballot inductees. Really. This was debated between analysts. Like I said, a slow week.

Let's break this down.

Jerry Rice: The most productive and reliable receiver in the history of the NFL. Statistically, by far. Played 36 years in the NFL. Arguably the best player in the history of the NFL. Ran a 4.9 40 but could never be run down.

Emmit Smith: Not the best talent at running back in the history of the league, however he was one of the most productive and statistically #1, no question. Lead a team to multiple Super Bowl wins.

It's not like first time eligible inductees are unheard of. I mean these are 2 of the best players in the 90 years of this league.

Why is this being debated. Boring,..... like this entry.

Thought of the Day

As if we didn't know this before, in our society and especially celebrity society, Image is Everything.

Just look at what happened to Tiger Woods. He went from being a mortal God, to being clowned at every corner. His good name was tarnished, he was seen as a hypocrite about family values and people started to back away. His sponsors backed away.

Image is everything and multiple companies with their millions of dollars pulled away from him. Tiger built this brand of himself. The most complete package of athlete and man on earth. And companies profited royally. Yet, they had to back away.

Dos XX beer might have one of the most brilliant marketing campaigns ever engineered with The Most Interesting Man in the World.

If the sales of Dos XX have not quadrupled 10 fold from this advertising I'd be surprised. The man featured is 'THE' man amongst men. If you looked in the dictionary under "coolest, most bad ass M'Fer that's ever walked the planet", you'd find him. (Then Jules)

Dos XX advertising didn't exist until him. Non Existent. Dos XX has put all of their eggs into one basket. All of that recognition and branding of "A Mans Man".

So, I'm thinking......... What happens to Dos XX if:

The cops arrested that guy in a public rest stop along some stretch of Florida highway smoking some dudes root?

The Grenade

90% of men have jumped on the grenade for their boy. The other 10% lie and say they haven't.

We've all been there. Your boys hooking up, she's hot, you're stoked for him................but she ain't leaving without her troll. Yeah her, the ugly friend. The outcome with the hot chick and The Grenade is only happening one of two ways.

1) That Ewok is going to cock block your friend so he gets none.
or
2) You grab your helmet, except your Purple Heart and you dive flat onto that thing.

It's all good. Jumping on the grenade for a friend is something you automatically get a pass for. Like a slump buster. Nobody frowns upon you. You're average doesn't take a hit. You took one for the team and it's all good.

That being said, if you are an ugly chick you'd be a moron not to pay good money to hang out with hot chicks who like to party. She'd get served more steak and eggs than a bed & breakfast on Castro Street.

Random Thoughts

This blog is usually about random thoughts. Random obscure thoughts that usually slip into most peoples minds, but make an immediate exit without time to soak in and dwell. Random thoughts for me on the other hand get stuck for a while. Stuck like a crab in a crab cage bouncing off the walls looking for an exit that will never be found. Random thoughts linger like a fart on a windless day circulating in my mind like a centrifuge until I reach my conclusions.

But today I wasn't thinking nor did I have a random thought. No, my mind was not working when I decided it was a good idea to put my 9 month old into her pajamas and ready for bed with no diaper on. WTF do you think was going through her mind?

"Really dad? F'ing really? Do you think I plan on hurdling out of my crib and walking to the bathroom when my bananas works their way through me?"

It didn't take long for me to realize what I've done. 2 Separate functions within 5 whole minutes landed a new pair of pajamas straight into the garbage can with no hopes of salvage.