Mind your own business

Standing over a Koi pond, I notice the Koi fish swimming to where I am. I decided to share the bagel I was eating with the Koi fish in the pond. I broke off little crumbs, flicked them in the water and watched the pieces bob around until they got swollowed up by those umbrella lips under the water.

Someone says to me: "Don't you see that sign right there?"

I say: "Yes, I saw it. It say's please do not feed the fish."

They said: "Well, what are you doing?"

I say: "Well, by saying "please", they are saying that they'd "rather me not" feed the fish or they'd prefer that I don't feed the fish."

If the sign said flat out, "Dont feed the fish", then I would have seen that as a difinitive "Don't feed the fish."

Now by saying "Please"..........it's leaving it somewhat up to interpretation. And at the current time I don't feel like being polite, so therefore I feed the fish.

Now piss off.

Observation of the Day

You know you're a tool when you use chop sticks at Noodles & Company. You are at Noodles! You find the one thing on the menu that has an Asian flare to it and you find it necessary to use chop sticks. Does it taste better using chop sticks? Is it different then the other noodles on the menu that makes it easier to eat with chop sticks? What if you weren't eating Asian noodles, would you use a fork? Or do you just use chop sticks all the time? Is that your preferred method of shoveling food into your mouth? Sticks are a better invention then a fork? What if you were eating enchiladas? Would you chop them up with your skinny wooden swords and eat it like sushi? Do you carry your own sticks around with you just like a pool shark carrys his pool cue? When you bring your kid to McDonalds, do you say, "Hold on sport, I have to run back to the car to grab my chop sticks to muscle down those McNuggets." You are a tool bag. You are at Noodles. Just eat your food. I get it if you are at an Asian restaurant or a sushi joint and want to take in the full experience and use some sticks, but your not. To take it a step further. You are the guy who goes to those places and believe you are in the middle of the Orient. When you walk into that place, you are the jackass who bows to the Asian guy working the front door named Phil who's never been out of California. I hope you would give the same level of respect to Ronald McDonald.

Physics

A mouse and the bottom of my foot should not occupy the same space at the same time. It could be deadly. How does that happen? You can't manually catch a mouse if you tried, yet I managed to exterminate a mouse with the bottom of my foot by accident. Am I that good? Should I open up an "all natural" rodent extermination company? My company slogan would be "No sprays or fum'as ......I use my Puma's" The death took place right outside of my garage door. I had just walked past the same area 15 seconds beforehand with the lights on and there was no mouse there lying on the ground. How did I manage this? I'm fast, but I know I'm not that fast. Was it mouse suicide? Did the mouse say, "To hell with this, I can take this NO MORE", and ran underneath my foot as it decended to the floor? It had to be. What are the chances this was purely coincidental?

Crazy People 2

I have answered my own question about schizophrenics.

Wouldn't you be cussing out and threatening your imaginary person if they followed you around, nagging you to death 24-7? Wouldn't you act like a deranged lunatic shaking your head in irritable convulsions and constantly changing direction while walking in an effort to escape the nonstop chirping going on in your ear? Wouldn't you mumble angry half sentences under your breath? If that was your daily life, you'd appear crazy too.

However, I've noticed that sane people act in the same fashion as people with schizophrenia. It's just that there is a real life human being attached to their hip, buzzing constantly in their ear about insignificant & irritation crap.

Their called wives.

Quote of the Day

"I don't care if that lobster is wrapped in gold, I ain't spending $320 for any of it." - Carl Limar

I hate being up sold on something when I don't want to be sold something in the first place. When the frozen meat man comes door to door telling me I can get 40lbs of steaks for $300, but I can get an extra box of lobster tails if I spend $320.............you get a smart ass response.

Crazy People

I want to be schizophrenic for a week. And I want it documented on video.

Have you ever witnessed schizo's arguing and yelling at imaginary people? It's fascinating. They're always cussing out some kind of adversary or enemy they have. The schizo's are always hurling volatile slurs and threats to some "being" that doesn't exist.

"WHAT? What the fuck did you say!? Do you know who I am!? I'll fucking kill you" (Then spits at a wall)
"Dibba dabba mutha fuka. Shit eh own da booba. Ima git yimma did that like a sucka monkey. Punk ass bitch!" (Grabs crotch)

When was the last time you've heard a schitzo's have a civil conversation? When was the last time you didn't see a schizo not waging war with the enemy? Why haven't we ever heard:

"Hey, fantastic job you did with the Johnson account. That's really going to pay us dividends down the road."
"Excuse me. Could you pass the Grey Poupon my fine man?"

I want, for a week, to find my inner enemy and act as if they are real. And I want my torment taped.

TV

There is some great stuff on TV right now. Every time I turn on the tube, there is something keeping my interest.

Madness in the Middle East
China using "Top Gun" footage in their news casts to show their AirForce supremacy.
Cairo on Fire
Charlie Sheen snorting a suitcase full of porn stars and banging cocaine all night long.

Last night I caught Real Sports with Bryant Gumball. It was good. Stories about football, football reporters and ex football players. Fascinating stuff. However, the most interesting was about Nate Newton.

We all know Nate Newton. You've seen that belly and admired it. Throughout the 90's he was an integral part of the equation. He was one of the most feared..............drug smugglers ever to play in the NFL.

Dude at one point was tipping 4bills. How did that guy ever get off the ball when he harboured a small Vietnamese family inside his belly?

The story in Real Sports was about ex NFL'ers exploding like hot air balloons after their playing days were over. Can you imaging Nate Newton nowadays? Holy F'ing Christ!

JJ Walker, I mean, Nate Newton has shed like 600 pounds since his playing days. The story was fascinating. Newton works out 6 hours a day and says:

"I'd rather have working out too much kill me then spend all day on the couch with constant trips heading to the fridge."

Tips in nowadays at around 210.

Eruption in Egypt

I have been watching this footage all week long. It's f'ing crazy. Anti-Government protesters going bananas, Protesters against the Anti-Government protesters going bananas. Everyones going nuts.

They have an oppressive president ruling over the common people. A US supported & financed oppressive president ruling there and it's been that way for decades. "The people" are pissed and they've had enough. Time for the uprising.

Time for the stones, bricks and Molotov cocktails. Time for the rebar fights and flag burning in the streets. All walks of life roaming into the street, angry with piss & vinegar running through their veins. You've seen this on TV before. You've seen the mayhem before. (Actually it doesn't matter what middle east country is in an uprising, you've seen the footage before.)

100% male. All dudes wearing their tribal pajamas, burlap robes, fake Levis & Puma gear, business suits. Business Suits? WTF?

Who the F wears a suit to a riot? Who rolls to a riot prepared to throw rocks and hurl flaming gas in a bottle wearing a suit? There can be only 2 reasons for showing up at a riot wearing a suit.

1) Mohamed works as a Cairo banker and decided on his smoke break that chucking a few bricks off an overpass was a good use of his time.

2) Mohamed's interview was at 8am, so kicking someone on the ground at 7:30 was a good way to get psyched up for his appt.

Actually, since no work is being done in Cairo, that meant Mohamed dressed this morning in a suit on his way to the riot. Who does that?

They say, they're always prepared for martyrdom. Perhaps being prepared to get shot by authorities, having a service and being buried all in one morning is part of the plan.

Thoughts of the Day

1) Gene Chizik is being heralded as the greatest coach in the world. He won coach of the year. I mean people are dangling from his hairy fuzz.
Why?
If gene chizik didn’t have Cam Newton, he wouldn’t have even won the SEC west. That is a one man team.

2) I'm straight up tired of hearing about the supremacy of the SEC. Granted they are, top to bottom, the strongest and they've been the most successful, but I’m just tired of hearing about it. I'm sick an tired of hearing this:
“Look at the power of the SEC. They have the last 4 BCS championships. We are the best."
On paper, that's right. However, nobody is talking about the fact that if USC didn’t lay their annual egg that left them out of the NC, the SEC would only have 1 (Alabama).
This isn’t an argument of who is the best conference and the Pac 10 is a 1 team conference, it’s an argument that all of those SEC teams would have gotten shut down like they were the Big East Champs against USC.

3) Democrats are pussies. That sherriff in AZ who wants to criticize talk radio and other republicans and put blame on their shoulders for inciting the violence that recently took place in Tuscon, needs to take a real hard look in the mirror. They need to look themselves in the face and realize that their democrat and liberal pals who create media would be just as culpable. Those money hungry, “I do want I want at the expense of society”, selfish people in Hollywood and other media would be just as guilty with the violence, sex, drugs and disrespect they carelessly promote with their tv shows, movies and music. You’ll never hear that from a democrat though, because they are hypocrates.

What am I, a magnet?

WTF is wrong with some people? Do they like the way my breath smells? Do they feel compelled to rub up against my hairy arms?

What is the psychosis behind the "close talker" and the "close walker".

You know that guy......the close talker. They're the ones who invade your space while having a conversation. Why do people feel compelled to be so close. Dude, you're too F'ing close to me!!

There is a common courtesy, a common sense and a general muther sucking unwritten rule! I don't want to touch noses with you while discussing daily events unless your name is Lisa.

And then there is the "close walker". (usually the same person). I know god dammed well that you don't want to hold hands with me, so why do you close in like we're magnetized? I move a foot away and you follow. Soon enough it's becoming obvious that you're putting me into a fucking wall, can't you see that? Can't you see that my arms are grazing stucco and metal on some building because you're steering me like I'm cattle? Can't you see that I keep dodging and weaving, ......in....... behind .......and around you like a bee following some kids ice cream cone? Don't you see that as pretty weird? Are you making a mental note of me and say, "Jesus Christ, this dude is strange, what the hell is he doing." Will it ever occur to you that you are the problem?

What am I supposed to say? Get the fuck away from me?

The Last Man Standing

You've heard this term before.

It usually applies to:
The last man alive on the field of battle.
The last gladiator alive in the arena.
Hulk Hogan in the cage match after he choked out all his oponents with some barbed wire.

To me, it became an F'ed up sign of aging.

Upon studying my face in the mirror, I noticed this lone soldier strand of hair jetting out in the middle of my forehead. I wondered..........how the F did this mutant hair get all the way out there? Hey little buddy, are ya lost?

Unfortunately, it wasn't a mutant, but marked the spot where my hair line used to be.

For it......was The Last Man Standing.

but he's gone now too.

46

You can't drink the 46, it tastes like Scotch.

C'mon, lets face it. Scotch tastes like Diesel, but people drink it. They drink it because it's cool & trendy. It's the same reason why someone will spend $90 on a T-shirt made in Taiwan if it has a cool fashion label on it. It's cool & trendy.

Makers Mark unveiled their new bottle of swill called.............46. It produced a kick ass bottle with a new taste. The issue is, is that it doesn't taste like Makers Mark. It doesn't have that distinct, rich, oaky flavor. It tastes like Scotch.

That is where Makers missed the mark, pun intended.

Since there has been an explosion of people drinking Scotch, Makers is trying to capitalize on the phenomenon. Here's the problem, people aren't going to buy a brand of whisky to drink Scotch. Remember..........Scotch tastes like shit. People want that ass tasting bottle of scotch in front of them because it looks cooler to taste on shit than it does to sip on whisky.

And yes. I won the blindfolded taste test between the two. It was like a fat boy vs a piece of cake. It wasn't even close.

Reason #100 that I am an Asshole....

My impatience sometimes gets the best of me.

Sometimes I do things that make me feel so small and tiny that I wish I could reverse time just a few seconds and have a do-over.

I was late yesterday. I had somewhere to go. The Earth would crumble if I didn't get to my destination in 20 minutes and on time. There were too many people in my way and keeping me from being punctual to my softball game.

While waiting to make a left turn at a stoplight, I waited impatiently behind a grey minivan. Light turns green and I needs to f'ing go right? 5 Seconds after the light turns green the minivan slowly starts to inch forward. Slowly inching forward in a jerking fashion I start to engage his bumper with my fist in the air hoping he can glance me in his rear view mirror. I give a little beep and then at my first opportunity crank the wheel, hit the gas and take him on the outside lane like Cole Trickle.

As I hit the shoulder on the outside, my engine redlining, got one hand on the wheel and the other the air...........I glance into the van.

No I didn't. No I F'ing just didn't see what I think I'm seeing. God dammit.

I see a familiar blue tag hanging from the rear view mirror. I look more closely and notice the over sized bus driver steering wheel with the knob you can hang on to and the morphic hand gripping it.

It was a paraplegic.

C'mon God! Really?! Is this your idea of a lightning strike on a clear day?

This poor guy is probably operating the gas pedal with his mouth and using one hand to grip the steering wheel, and here I am with 2 wheels up on the curb fist pumping around the corner.

For the next 2 miles I couldn't make myself small enough to disappear into my seat. For the next 2 miles, I prayed this guy wouldn't catch up to me at any other stoplights.

Just shameful.

Thought of the Day

At least once a month you can catch some kind of UFO story online or on some tv documentary story. Do they exist? Are they aliens?

How many encounters have been documented? Cover ups? Is it really our military and we often mistake test missiles headed to Mexico City as Unidentified Flying Objects?

Here's a theory I've never heard before.

Time travelers.

An unidentified flying object could be a machine from 500 years from now. That could be possible can't it? The whole martian looking creature has been created to enhance the story, however you can't discredit the fact that there have been strange sightings of non natural objects in the air.

Think of the technology possible 500 years from now. Hasn't the theory of relativity been proven, but we just don't necessarily know how to implement it?......yet?

On the other hand 2012 is a year and a half away, it'll be the end of the world and the terrorists have won.

The Oil Spill in the Gulf

Oil in the ocean sucks. I know oil is important and we need it, but the sooner oil can become a commodity of the past, the better off we'll be.

The oil spill in the gulf has now hit the environmentally sensitive coastline and could be there forever.

A year ago, The Chrysler dropped a monetary nuclear bomb on us, our kids and our grand kids and their grand kids called the Stimulus package.

More money that you can comprehend to jump start the American economy and get shovel ready Americans back to work (and of course satisfy every socialist agenda pet project Democrats have been storing like nuts for the past 30 years)

So now it's time to put up or shut up. I can find you tens of thousands of people in the gulf region that are currently not working. Use your stimulus and get all of these people on the beaches with 20,000 rolls of Brauny and start mopping up that crude.

Conspiracy Theory of the Day.

Damn those Chinamen are smart. It is common knowledge that China is the present day Soviet Union for us. How often do we here about moles, spies, cyber warfare between us and the Chinese? They are ruthless and crafty and we should be scared of them.

Even though they would smoke us if a war ever broke out, it's just not going to be necessary.

Just like Mexico taking over the US through immigration is referred to as "being conquered without a single shot fired."

The Chinese will infiltrate us and take us over without a single shot fired.

I caught my 3 1/2 year old speaking Chinese yesterday. Yes, you've heard me correctly. Speaking Chinese sitting on my bed.

There is a god dammed show on a children's TV network called Ni Hao, Kai-Lan. And yes, they are teaching our youngsters how to speak F'ing Chinese. I know you've seen these bastards, but possibly haven't paid much attention to it.

I'm all up for teaching youngsters different languages, but wouldn't it seem a bit more appropriate to start with something like.........Mexican?

I bet, if you found the root producers of this Ni Hao, Kai-Lan, you'd introduce yourself to the spy network of the PLA, Public Liberation Army of China.

We are so F'ed.

Thought of the Day

Port-a-Johns, Honey-Huts, Irish Spaceships..........whatever you want to call portable restrooms; provide a unique setting for you to fart while taking a leak and not worry who is in line behind you.

Cuz it just doesn't matter.

The Handicapped Stall

I think, by code, all commercial places of business must have handicapped dumping facilities. That would either be a single restroom, which has the handrail to assist the physically disabled OR the nice, over sized, luxurious stall in a heavily trafficked restroom area.

I like using these.

I don't understand why people shy away from the stall with more than enough elbow room, a butler serving hor'dourves, and enough space for push ups in case you're on your first date and need to get in an emergency swell.

I'm not trying to be rude to the less fortunate who need the accessibility of a larger stall, but they were not built for the sole reason of THEM using it. They were built so they COULD use it. Nowhere in the public crapping rulebook does it say the general population can't use it.

All I'm saying is, the chances are SO remote that you'll tie up the handi-stall while a true person of need is waiting outside with his brow sweating because he's about to shit his chair. If that happens, dude, it's just not your day and you'll be crowned king of the A-holes.

Carl is in Big F'ing Trouble.....

She never said she was 16!

By the time she got to my hotel room, I was already a 40 of St. Ides and an 8ball deep. She was looking like 21, minimum your honor.

It was consentual your honor. And when she was cuttin' up those lines for us, I thought she was using her Drivers License, not her Library Card.

"Man, Iz been set up like a mutha sucka."

Reality TV

If you can think it.............it's already been done. Reality tv is hour after hour of continuous train wrecks that you can't keep your eyes off of.

My all time favorites though, have been when a bunch of losers are forced to live with each other and somehow learn to co-exist. The Real World, Big Brother, etc.

The producers and casting directors of these shows search for the biggest bunch of degenerates that could occupy the same space at the same time underneath one roof and simply watch the carnage unfold.

THIS, however, has yet to be done. THIS is what I'd like to see:

8 Strangers, forced to live in the same house. 4 Jews,........ 4 Arabs.

Instead of "The Jersey Shore" it'll be called, "The Gaza Strip."

Talk about ratings! Imagine the anxiety of the 4 Jews every time Akbar walks out of his room wearing a backpack?

Priceless television

Thought of the Day

Land lines & cell phones.

Everybody has their home land line as well as their cell phones. Everyone answers their home phone as hello, but their cell phone as "this is carl"

There are multiple people living in a house (usually) so wouldn't it make more sense to answer your home phone "this is carl"? Therefore, the person on the other end might not have to guess at who answers. That could potentially be an embarrassing moment if your wife tends to have an unusually deep voice from old steroid use. Answering a phone with multiple users and Identifying yourself could save somebody the humiliation of mistaken identity.

When I call your cell phone, why the hell do you answer with your name....."this is carl"? I know who I'm calling, you don't have to remind me when you answer. When calling a personal cell phone shouldn't that be more appropriate for just a "hello"?

Just a thought.

The Commercialization of Becoming a Badass

If you took Karate back in the day, you were one of a very few. You were probably tougher than the average joe and you probably had some skill.

Today, Karate is so manufactured that it's sad. Parents spend a ton of money to get junior to go to karate lessons so his ginger ass doesn't get stomped on in school. But do they really learn anything or do they just get to drop the........."Don't F with me, I'm a 2nd degree blackbelt"?

Bull crap. Parents spend all of this money at the Cobra Kai Dojo and Sensei has no choice and obligated to graduate his 7 year olds into yellow & green belts. That's ridiculous.

I saw an overprivileged, soft, upper middle class kid with his green belt heading into the YMCA. First off, you don't become a badass learning your KungFoo at the Y.

I saw him and was like, Nana Betty with her osteoporosis could kick your ass. You wouldn't even be able to defend yourself. You couldn't even defend yourself in a game of Space Invaders fat boy.

I've seen in first hand where a 4 year old graduated to a yellow belt simply because enough money had been spent and enough time had past, yet simple instructions such as "look at me, and stop biting you nails" could not be followed.

If that's really all it takes to be a certifiable ninja, becoming a blackbelt should be on a short list of things to accomplish in life.

Urinals

Mans great invention.

You get to pretend you're talking a piss in the snow or in a bush, but you actually get to stand up and piss on a wall. Inside a building.

A great invention.

They are pretty sick though if you think about it. How many roots have defiled these urinals?

But.........it's collateral damage for such a great thing.

Damage like the everlasting presence of "the pube". There's always going to be a stray, on every urinal. What I don't get is when you muscle up to the pisser and it looks as though someone just got a haircut.

My first question is, who the F has 4" long pubes? 2nd Question is what is with the abnormal pube release? Did somebody get angry and say "Dammit, I have too many pubes, " and just start ripping them out? Perhaps they are currently undergoing chemo and they just shook out when he unwrapped his unit. Similar to unwrapping the dried out Christmas tree that you get from Home Depot.

They guys selling gum, cologne and cigarettes should keep a Dustbuster handy.

Career Day with the FAA

Remember Career Day in elementary school and junior high? The day where your parents would come in and talk about what they do for a living? Well today was career day for one lucky chap who's daddy brought him to work directing airplanes as an air traffic controller.

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,587801,00.html

Daddy would give Jr the instructions, and the little boy relayed to the pilots listening in. It was all for fun and I'm sure it was real cute, but shouldn't some types of occupations be held to a different degree of responsibility? If chappy wants to spend the day in the bakery with his pops to see how he makes muffins, no problem. However, the air traffic control room (one of the most stressful work environments around) is not a place for kids. Even for innocent reasons as this.

Should we all just assume it should be "Let's bring our kid to work day"? No matter what your job is? We'll give Jr the instructions as if this were his job, and he can carry out the duties.

Could you imagine?

Little Jimmy accompanies his pappy on a Police raid of a meth lab drug house who currently has 5 illegal mules as hostages. Little Jimmy gets his instructions, grabs the megaphone and..............."COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP OR I'LL BLOW YOUR FUCKING FACE OFF, WE'VE GOT YOU SURROUNDED"

How about Melvin with his old man performing spinal surgery. "OK, partner, get ready to cut that cord..........whoa whoa whoa..........no little buddy, the other one."

"OK, pumpkin, do you see that Taliban guy with a robe tying those wires to that big bomb in the road? Ok, gentle squeeze this trigger"

WTF. There are certain jobs that simply have no business including anybody except the professionals trained to do them.

Question of the Day

The Olympics are pretty cool. Most events are entertaining and fun to watch. Some events though, you wonder if they were simply conjured up out of thin air.

The Biathalon. Don't get me wrong, it's interesting and seems to take an enormous amount of skill and discipline. However, this is an Olympic sport where you ski on flat land then stop and shoot things with the Olympic issue sniper rifle with live ammo.

There are many things in life that simply don't go together. Oil & Vinegar, wives and fun, Olympic skiing and guns. Imagine the damage that could be done.

Question of the day.

If you are an event participant or spectator and Team Palestine shows up with skiis, an AK and multiple banana clips, do you submit an immediate protest?

Thought of the Day

We take a lot of things in life for granted. We all do it and we do it in different ways for different things. Some take their friends or family for granted. Some take for granted the nice stuff they have. Others might take their health for granted.

Growing up in Southern California we take LOTS of things for granted. Lifestyle, activities, clean environment and most of all, Good looking people.

I don't care who you are, where you're from or what case you make, in whole SoCal has the best looking people on the planet. The best looking, the most fit and the most in shape.

Growing up here, we take that for granted. We take for granted that even if we hit a HomeTownBuffet for dinner there will be good looking people there. The beach, the gym, the mall etc. They're everywhere and you never think twice about it because we take it for granted.

With that in mind:

People from the east coast are F'ing ugly. I'm 'not' saying all and I'm not saying there aren't areas of greatness. But it's reality that the east coast isn't pumping out Playmates daily. I've been there, I go there, I've lived there and I see it on TV every day.

Why are they so Fug? I mean, everywhere you turn........ugly, fat, bad teeth, purple ankles. Why?

Not too long ago I was there. I happened to be at a kids play gym. 100 kids with 200 parents. Guess what? The kids weren't really bad looking. It was their parents.

Bad air? Bad water? Too much Buffet? Not enough sun? I don't know.

To draw a conclusion. People out there aren't born ugly, .....they just Get ugly.

So if you can't run through hot chicks when your 5, your fucked. Cuz apparently they only go downhill from there.

Movie Review

Have you ever seen those nationalistic & patriotic feel good movies like Rocky IV or Victory?

Movies like these take place in a distant land in unfriendly territory. They portray the American as the villain and evil. They boo him, they spit on him, they cheer for his defeat. Yet as the movie goes on the crowds begin to sympathize with the American, they begin to cheer for the American and even begin to root against their homeland.

Come on. Seriously? How ridiculous is that? Are you telling me that Rocky Balboa wins the hearts and minds of those behind the Iron Curtain in the Soviet Union, simply because he can take 1300 punches to the face from Ivan Drago? Are you saying that the WWII Allies POW soccer team wins over the crowd in Nazi Germany? To the point where the stands empty and they help them escape imprisonment?

Imagine a boxing match or soccer game being held in Texas where the main event is Appolo Creed versus Osama Bin Laden or Khalid Sheikh Mohammed. Do you really expect if those two suitcase bombers put on a good showing that our tough, homegrown American cowboys are really going to turn on Creed? They're going to cheer on the bad guys and applaud their victory?

No. If anything, Tom Billy is going to come down from the stairs, grab a metal chair and slam it over the back of Bin Laden WWF style.

Keep it real.

One of the great food shows on TV right now is Man Vs. Food. It's a show about this guy Adam Richman who travels across the country to find the best eateries that are known for ridiculous and massive amounts of food. It's total War of eating.

Today was Carl Vs. Food. I went to war with a burrito. However it wasn't because of its unusual size. Today marks the first time in my life I've ever been injured eating food.

My god damned burrito stabbed me in the face. The hardened, sharpened corner of the tortilla stabbed me in my god dammed face, punctured my lip and drew blood. At first I didn't have a clue what had just happened except for something hurt.

I kept chewing, but hesitantly. Like a 7 year old biting into that mini snickers bar that they got from the weird house on Halloween. Did I have a razor in my lunch? Was it a piece of glass? I mean, I'm eating a burrito one second and in pain & bleeding the next. WTF?

What are the chances of that? THAT ain't taco sauce amigo.

Hall of Fame

It's a slow week in the NFL, which is surprising since it's Super Bowl week. For an odd reason there's not much to talk about with the Super Bowl itself. It's a great matchup and lots of marquee players, but the only thing talked about is:

1) If Dwight Freeney will play
2) Peyton Mannings legacy

Thats it. Boring.

So to mix things up I guess, it was Hall of Fame hour this morning on the radio. The topic was if Jerry Rice and Emmit Smith are 1st time ballot inductees. Really. This was debated between analysts. Like I said, a slow week.

Let's break this down.

Jerry Rice: The most productive and reliable receiver in the history of the NFL. Statistically, by far. Played 36 years in the NFL. Arguably the best player in the history of the NFL. Ran a 4.9 40 but could never be run down.

Emmit Smith: Not the best talent at running back in the history of the league, however he was one of the most productive and statistically #1, no question. Lead a team to multiple Super Bowl wins.

It's not like first time eligible inductees are unheard of. I mean these are 2 of the best players in the 90 years of this league.

Why is this being debated. Boring,..... like this entry.

Thought of the Day

As if we didn't know this before, in our society and especially celebrity society, Image is Everything.

Just look at what happened to Tiger Woods. He went from being a mortal God, to being clowned at every corner. His good name was tarnished, he was seen as a hypocrite about family values and people started to back away. His sponsors backed away.

Image is everything and multiple companies with their millions of dollars pulled away from him. Tiger built this brand of himself. The most complete package of athlete and man on earth. And companies profited royally. Yet, they had to back away.

Dos XX beer might have one of the most brilliant marketing campaigns ever engineered with The Most Interesting Man in the World.

If the sales of Dos XX have not quadrupled 10 fold from this advertising I'd be surprised. The man featured is 'THE' man amongst men. If you looked in the dictionary under "coolest, most bad ass M'Fer that's ever walked the planet", you'd find him. (Then Jules)

Dos XX advertising didn't exist until him. Non Existent. Dos XX has put all of their eggs into one basket. All of that recognition and branding of "A Mans Man".

So, I'm thinking......... What happens to Dos XX if:

The cops arrested that guy in a public rest stop along some stretch of Florida highway smoking some dudes root?

The Grenade

90% of men have jumped on the grenade for their boy. The other 10% lie and say they haven't.

We've all been there. Your boys hooking up, she's hot, you're stoked for him................but she ain't leaving without her troll. Yeah her, the ugly friend. The outcome with the hot chick and The Grenade is only happening one of two ways.

1) That Ewok is going to cock block your friend so he gets none.
or
2) You grab your helmet, except your Purple Heart and you dive flat onto that thing.

It's all good. Jumping on the grenade for a friend is something you automatically get a pass for. Like a slump buster. Nobody frowns upon you. You're average doesn't take a hit. You took one for the team and it's all good.

That being said, if you are an ugly chick you'd be a moron not to pay good money to hang out with hot chicks who like to party. She'd get served more steak and eggs than a bed & breakfast on Castro Street.

Random Thoughts

This blog is usually about random thoughts. Random obscure thoughts that usually slip into most peoples minds, but make an immediate exit without time to soak in and dwell. Random thoughts for me on the other hand get stuck for a while. Stuck like a crab in a crab cage bouncing off the walls looking for an exit that will never be found. Random thoughts linger like a fart on a windless day circulating in my mind like a centrifuge until I reach my conclusions.

But today I wasn't thinking nor did I have a random thought. No, my mind was not working when I decided it was a good idea to put my 9 month old into her pajamas and ready for bed with no diaper on. WTF do you think was going through her mind?

"Really dad? F'ing really? Do you think I plan on hurdling out of my crib and walking to the bathroom when my bananas works their way through me?"

It didn't take long for me to realize what I've done. 2 Separate functions within 5 whole minutes landed a new pair of pajamas straight into the garbage can with no hopes of salvage.

Question of the Day

Why do all grocery stores hide their restrooms?

It's like trying to find a clock or the cash-out counter in a casino.

Every time I enter grocery stores with the sole intent of using their facilities in an emergency, I can't F'ing find it.

If you ever want to know who's main purpose for being in a grocery store is "NOT, to buy food", look for the dude with a frown, pacing around the store like he has bamboo shoved up his ass. It's because he can't find the god damn bathrooms. The bathrooms are hidden in obscure areas like where you'd buy flowers. Guys don't go there.

To make things worse, trying to find the bathroom in a grocery store is similar to driving to an unknown location without a map. We'd rather navigate by the stars than stop to ask someone for directions. We'll hit every square foot of that store to find the crapper before we ask.

The Gym

Just like peanut butter & jelly and strippers & glitter, some things I see at the gym go hand in hand. When I see one, I'll see the other.

Guy with cell phone.......................and a jug of water.
Guy with weight belt.....................and his own bottle of ripped fuel.
Guy with gloves.............................and matching workout "outfit" with combed hair.
Guy with wife beater.........................and a beanie. (Which is it dude? You hot or cold?)
Full length mirror......................and a guy shadow boxing himself in between sets of curls.
Guy with ipod........................and neoprene Ultimate Warrior ipod holster strapped to the bicept. (The bigger one of course)

A place where men once went to repent and serve god, the gym has completely morphed into a safe haven for dickheads.

I love working out by myself, but my own silence forces me to ease into hearing other peoples conversations.
This is how some conversations go down. (the following exchange was between apparent gym aquaintances)

"Hey bro" (they never know each others names, so its bro)
"Hey bud" (the reciprocation)
"Haven't seen you in here in a while, what's been going on?"
"Ah, you know just taking some time off. Man, you're guns are looking huge."
"Yeah, really? I've been training them pretty hard."

Seriously? Dude.........Seriously??
That is the 2nd reason why I don't talk to people in the gym. I don't want anyone telling me that my calves are lookin' tight!

Facebook Abuse: 1

Facebook abusers come in various forms.
Note to the Serial Status updater ................I don't understand you!

It's Friday night and THAT guy who feels compelled to update their status ever half hour drops:
"Hey all my FB friends, .........TGIF guys, have a fantastic weekend."

Isn't that.......or better yet shouldn't that be a sign off until sometime on Monday? In other words, "ya'll won't hear from me for a couple days, have a good one." ?

We all know that as soon as you tell us to have a great weekend, you're gonna be updating the girth of the crap you take 8 minutes later. Give it a rest you narcissist.

Facebook abuse gives Facebook a bad name for those of us simply trolling the network looking for a glimpse or two of the ho's we ran through 10 years earlier.

Afghanistan

Just like the Russians did in the 80's........we need to bounce up out that sandbox. Kind of.

Let's get our military our of there and stop acting like we're trying to occupy and stabilize that cesspool of lunacy. What are we trying to do? Create a democracy in a corrupt country that doesn't want it and who doesn't like us no matter what we do? Let's get the F out. However....

Let's remind them that we're always around. Kind of linger and appear like a cold sore out of the blue. Special opps and big ass bombs are enough to remind them that we can F them up at will.

You can't win a conventional war with guerrillas. You can't win a war against a enemy that has no boundaries. You can't win a war against an ideology held by complete uneducated house rats. How do you fight against or rationalize or wage diplomacy against individuals willing to strap TNT to their nuts and blow themselves up? People so blind in faith that believe they'll score 72 skanky, hairy dust mites in heaven by becoming a martyr.

We will lose this war because we no longer have the testicular fortitude that our grandparents had to push our chips forward and say "ALL IN!" As inhumane, gnarly and unpopular as it may have been our grandparents knew to exterminate your enemy and get ghetto or don't get involved.

And right now we don't want to be involved.

ACORN

Association of Community Organizers for Reform Now. Anarchists and con artists hell bent on advancing a socialist agenda.

This group has been exposed. Let's figure out and what we know about ACORN and wrap it up with the most important part of all.

• Forget the fact about multiple accounts of voter registration fraud.
• Forget the fact that ACORN is a partisan organization who uses taxpayer money to advance the careers and agendas of Democrats.
• Forget the fact that through ACORNs massive tentacles, they funnel and launder money through other various organizations throughout the country.
• Forget the fact that ACORN was the cover story in every media outlet during the last presidential election, therefore relevant, however NO media outlet admits they exist now except FOX.
• Forget the fact that The Chrysler had significant ties with ACORN for years and years.
  Forget the fact that The Chrysler still has ties to high ranking officials within the ACORN organization.
• Forget the fact that The Chrysler denies any part of that.
• Forget the fact that most recently 5 or so undercover videos confirmed ACORN was offering tax and other financial advise on how to run prostitution rings and rings with under aged girls smuggled in from Mexico.
• Forget all of that.

The part that is most important, most critical to all of this is nothing mentioned above. The thing that is most pivotal and that everyone should be focusing on is the hooker in those undercover videos. Dude, that chick was kinda hot.

Thought of the Day

Never keep money in your wallet, keep it in your sock.

Therefore, when a bum comes up to you begging for money you can pull out your wallet, show it to him and say:

"Sorry yo! I'm broke like you."

Then you don't have to feel bad that you just didn't want to give him a buck for his 40 of Bud Ice.

Things I Hate

I can't stand it when you are standing in line........the back of the line mind you.......waiting for your turn to get to the counter and order your food.

We're standing there as it is, nuts to butts,.....in a loud raucous dining establishment and the food person feels the need to take your order while you're 10 yards deep.

I don't like to yell, I don't like to talk loudly. I don't like to talk period when I don't know you. But you feel the need to yell to me 10 yards deep in line what would I like to order. So instead of ignoring her, I tell her BURRITO!

While preparing, she continues to yell to me over the heads of 15 people. Well, F her, I whispered.

Her: "WOULD YOU LIKE CHEESE ON THAT?"
Me: "I'd like extra cheese on that"

Her: "WOULD YOU LIKE CHEESE ON THAT?"
Me: "I'd like extra cheese on that"

Her: "WOULD YOU LIKE CHEESE ON THAT?"
Me: "I'd like extra cheese on that"

By that time, she became a lip reader as did I when I read "asshole".

What is the necessity to shuffle us through like cows to a slaughter as fast as possible with people yelling every which way like a day trader at the stock exchange?

Just unnecessary.

Teaching your Kindergardner how to pull Root?

The moral fabricators of the civilized nations are at it again. The United Nations are advocating the teaching of 5 year olds about masturbation.

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,543203,00.html

WTF? I happen to know some 5 years olds and it's not going to improve my day when one of them tries to tell me about how earlier in the day he was punching clown to the Disney Channel. WTF? Why is this necessary?

The United Nations, who is basically no different than a US govn't organization, but worse and more useless somehow thinks that a 5 year old is mature enough and intelligent enough to inform them on sex relationships, sexual violence, HIV education and of course thumping the dumb-guy.

These kids don't need to find pleasure in wacking off, they need to find pleasure in their GI Joes with the Kung Foo grip.

Is it that I simply don't think that it's appropriate for a 5 year old who still has the mind of a cantaloupe to try to comprehend these things?

Or perhaps I'm just jealous? Maybe I'm just pissed that I didn't learn about my shiny Kojak Doll until much later in life.

The most unfair thing on earth....

Besides herpes.

The Oklahoma Drill.

For all you homos out there who've never strapped it on, the Oklahoma drill is a football drill typically done on the 1st day or two of full pads after reporting to football camp. This offensive , satanist, cowardly drill has been implemented for decades. Whether it be Pop Warner, High School, College or Pro, everyone knows the Oklahoma Drill.

And everyone knows it was invented by an offensive dick, who needed to give his homo's a boost of confidence as they are naturally a bunch of pussy's.

Out of 11 offensive players on the field, you typically have 9 gays. These gays need morale boosters during their first days in camp after a long summer of conditioning/training via bicycling around main streets on Saturday mornings in their singlets with shaved arms.

Back to the Oklahoma Drill. Let me set the stage. Between 2 cones spaced about 3 feet apart, you have a large offensive fat man in a 3 pt stance and you reside 5 yards across from him. On the 1st sound it is mandatory to sprint those 5 yards towards each other and collide recreating Sonny Bono into a tree. While this is happening, there is a ball carrier that is behind the large offensive fat man that is charging behind him.

You are isolated on an island to try to stop them. In front of your team, your friends, your coaches. Even if you destroy your fat person, you usually have an angry black man running full speed at you to blast you off balance.

99% of the time, the cheaters win.
99% of the time, the cheaters whoop and holler and call you a bitch.

Like they did something.
Keep your head on a swivel fatboy.

Thought of the Day

Soap.

I believe is a conspiracy.

The makers of soap have long told us that their products are de-greasers and de-grimers and removes the sludge and bacteria from our skin. What if water simply does that naturally, yet your skin just naturally stinks?

What if it was nothing more than a odor masking agent? Just like deodorant. All soap companies probably make deodorant, so now they got us buying two items that only masks our funk until it wears off.

When you shower with soap, you are wiping on a fresh scenting "deodorant". Then you apply a brand of deodorant, made by the same people as the soap. Then when your soap sent wears off, you are now relying on the power of your speed stick until your next shower.

Could it be that humans just f'ing stink at all times (similar to Euro's) and the only way to not stink is to continually apply chemicals to our bodies?

The Healthcare Debate

Don't get me wrong, I'm ok with reforming health care because I think it's too expensive, but I don't think that socializing medical care takes care of that issue.

I still believe the best medical care on Earth exists in this country. We have more safety nets and programs for people without medical care than any place on Earth. More people are covered, by far, than not covered with some sort of health benefit plan.

Proponents complain that there needs to be more competition in the marketplace, thus a public option needs to be thrown in the mix. Really? How about allowing all 1300 something insurance companies to compete in every market and state in the country? Currently they can't and that limits competition.

Proponent claim that places like Canada, Switzerland & the UK have superior systems for free. Well great, but they aren't trying to support the costs associated with a population of 300 million and unknown millions here illegally who will also receive benefits. And talk to me about the success rates in those countries for treating cancer & other illnesses vs what we have here.

The Chrysler once said, "Don't be afraid of this, it's a good thing. If we were afraid of outer space, we would have never gotten to the moon."

Well that's great, but NASA didn't go from conception to planting flags on the moon in 6 months.

I know we can use reform, that is a given, but don't jamb Chrysler Care down our throats in 6 months when nobody can explain what the hell it is, including the Chrysler himself.

Question of the Day

Isn't the whole point behind exercising to push your body to the maximum? To exert yourself to burn calories, build muscle, get your heart racing, sweat your fat out.......etc?

When I go to the gym, I see people scantily clothed on the treadmill or the exercise bike or in the jazzersize room. Just tiny shorts and tank tops.

When I'm at the beach, I see swimmers 100 yards off swimming up and down the beach wearing nothing but speedos.

On Saturday mornings when I try to run over bicyclers, I see them in skin tight leotards breaking the wind with aerodynamics.

I don't get all this. If it's exercise, shouldn't you be making it harder on yourself. Shouldn't we see people at the gym wrapped in sweats and a Glad Bag? Shouldn't swimmers have jeans on with a bag of sand taped to their back? Shouldn't bicyclers wear skydiving suits?

Why make it easy? Just a thought.

The Hypocrisy Continues.....

And they're at it again.

The Sultans' of sit-in's. The Inventors of interruptions. The Prince of Protests.

Yes, the liberals are at it again. They are now widely denouncing the formal, informal, organized or unorganized gatherings of people demonstrating against healthcare.

Historically, conservatives don't protest. With the exception of anti-abortion lunatics, they basically keep to themselves with a low profile. Apparently, no longer and the lefties don't like what their own medicine is tasting like.

It started with the tea parties and currently has become about the healthcare debate.

How dare these people dissent upon what The Chrysler and his fleet of hoopties are trying to jam down the peoples throat. How dare these people "organize" demonstrations and tactics to voice their genuine anger. Wasn't it their own Hilary Clinton who once shrieked that she was tired of hearing that if they disagree and dissent upon the current administration it was un American?

Isn't that what the the left has been doing for the past 40 years? Organized dissent on basically ANYTHING they find themselves in the minority about? Kicking and screaming until they got what they want?

Welcome to the party hypocrites.

North Korea

Today they launched what was believed to be a test of a long range missile. We're up in arms as is the rest of the UN.

Why?

Why do we care? Let all the other ingrates on this planet worry about what a small pocket of lunatics decide to do.

US critics worry that N. Korea will develope a rocket able to hit, Hawaii, Alaska & possibly the western United States.

Again, why are we worried?

If N. Korea launched an unprovoked attack, that 8x11 piece of dirt would become a parking lot within 3 hours. They are not stupid enough to insite a suicide mission for nothing. There's nothing to gain.

Why can't we tell them to F off, do what you want and let the rest of the world worry about policing them?

My 2.

Thought of the Day

The G-20 summit in London today was met by a bunch of angry protesters. Protesters rule!

During their lunch break from their jobs as coffee specialists, these kind and constructive folks took to the street to protest world leaders. A GLG-20 from each country was in attendance.

The protesters consisted of anti-war, anti capitalism & save the environmental zealots. Well typically this creed is one in the same. So anyway these "save our planet global warming ELFS protested by:

Burning plastic, rubber & metals in the streets of London releasing toxic gases into our atmosphere.

F'ing brilliant. Donkeys.

AIG Bonus Payback

I too was outraged that high level, mid level, low level exec's and the IT guy at AIG were getting bonuses. Bonuses from taxpayer money. I heard the arguments they were throwing out there.

"We need to retain these high level employees or they'll go elsewhere."
"It's in the contract that we must pay their bonuses."
"I wasn't the crook in charge, why is my bonus being called into question?"

When was it common practice to receive a bonus for failing at your job? When did you realize your employees suck and you might not want to retain them? What lunatic drafted a contract that states "We as a company will pay bonus money, even if we report $50 billion dollars in losses."


I too was outraged.

But then I got to thinking. If these crooks, incompetents, greedy, angry white men got to keep their bonuses, they might just go and spend some of that money. They might buy that new SUV, remodel their kitchen and keep eating out 5 nights a week. In turn putting money in the pockets of that greasy car salesman, the contractor & the waitress making $5.15 an hr.

I got to thinking that tax money would be better spent than putting it back in the hands of that Sleestak Pelosi. That would be better than her spending $50 billion saving the mountain rat in Lousiana.

The Hypocrisy Continues.....

I've been thinking a lot about protesters. They're everywhere regarding everything. Anytime an issue doesn't agree with their agenda, there is a protest. Look at who is behind 9 out of 10 protests. Who are they? If you draw a political line, who are the protesters? 9 out of 10 protesters are liberals and democrats. I challenge you to show me differently.

Why I've been thinking about protesters is because I'm sick and tired of hearing and reading how "Intolerant" the angry white conservative is. They hate. They're bigots. They don't like the poor. They're mean. They don't care. And they are the INTOLERANT party and intolerant people.

Really? How would you know if conservatives are intolerant? Are you basing that claim by the overwhelming protests they hold whenever something happens they don't agree with?

It sounds to me that anytime you protest, you are the one being intolerant. Intolerant of the opinion of the other side. Does their opinion & belief not matter? Can't you be tolerant of their ideology?

The liberal democrat prides itself on being the party and the people of tolerance.................if and only if the issue follows their agenda.

TV

Someone mentioned to me in brief that something needs to be done.........something needs to be said about some of the stupidity and crappiness on TV. Crap like The Bachelor, Jon & Kate plus 8, etc.

I'm assuming, said person, can no longer deal with the nonsense and the ass wipes who enjoy their 15 minutes of fame. The stupidity and the mental decay of our society being sucked into Reality Hell. Agreed on both points.

However. That shit should disappear?

I disagree.

The more reality shows put on tv, the less we have to see Hollywood dumb asses. The more "Real Housewife's", "Big Brother", "Wife Swap", "Room Raiders", "Date my Mom", and "Rock of Love" there is on tv...........................

The less I'm going to see Hollywood's pompous, arrogant, morally bankrupt, scumbag, overpriviledged ignorant asses on weak ass tv shows. The less achievement award shows I'm going to see with awardie's awarding each other meaningless awards in honor of one another. The only honor they deserve is a good ole fashion middle east honor killing.

I'm ok with some losers 15 minutes of fame on "I want to Marry a Hermaphrosexual Millionaire". They don't stick around. It's basically a revolving door of douche bags.

The Power Of Alcohol

I usually do not fully grasp the power of inebriation, because typically I'm the inebriated. But alcohol when used correctly, is a powerful drug.

I happen to be a snowflake in a coalmine at one of the last football games I attended. Old school friends and family that I haven't in a long time.

In front of us were the drunks. The blonde chick, 3 bottles of Boones deep, in front of me turns around and says, "you're children are adorable"

I look at her. Then look to my left, then to my right. I see 5 black children hopping around in their seats.

"You talking to me?"
"umm yeah."
"Those kids?" "Are you retarded?"

Granted they were handsome kids, so I'll take the compliment, but come on dude. Seriously? I'm the only honkey in our section and she turns to me to compliment my black friends kids?

She was trippin', but I knew it was alcohol. Had she been on weed she would never have turned around since it would have interferred with her trying to count all 35,000 people at the game.
Had she been on acid or shrooms, she wouldn't have made it past the 1st quarter.

The power of alcohol.

Something I love

Since the dawn of man, there have been things that just go together well. Peanut Butter & Jelly, Bacon & Eggs, Steak & Beer, Tits & Ass. Carne Asada & French Fries.

The California Burrito is the best god damn thing on this continent. If I was Greece, I'd be filing a lawsuit against the Mexicans for stealing their idea.

Wrapping carne asada, cheese & fries together is magic. Fries are the key ingredient. Not potatoes. This is not the Burrito Au Gratin. Keep that crap out of my mortar shell.

They key to finding a quality California Burrito is to find a taco shop that you would not want your kids to eat in for fear of Tuberculosis. $3.85 later, it's all good.

A sinful world we live in

Because Carls readers are so incredibly diverse it makes sense to drop random surveys on the site. Political, Sports related and Culture so far. This allows Carl to make observations, think & ponder and then spit.

In short, a quick observation on the latest culture survey is that you all are a bunch of drug using perverts. And those who didn't respond were either too high to notice the survey or couldn't get off the site fast enough to google some ho gargling big hairy nuts.

Either way, that rules.

It's a me first World

I have been fortunate enough to travel across our great country and been exposed to people from all walks of life.

Last week I found myself in DFW on standy for an earlier flight. This flight had a young lady whom fate had put in a wheel chair. She could not walk to her seat and the airline had decided 7B would be the best seat for her as it had some additional legroom. They informed the guy in 7B, (a sack of skin with poofy thinning hair and "cool" eye glasses ) that they would put him in an aisle seat a few rows back.

This asshole proceeded to erupt.........I stood in shock. Let me get this straight, he was not willing to sacrifice 15 cm of leg room for someone who can't walk? Really? He was shouting that he was only moving in exchange for a first class seat and that he needed other compensation from the airline.

The gate agent then made an announcement asking for anyone in row 7 to give up their seat for this young lady. The asshole then starts shouting, asking why they are "victimizing" him. Really...victimizing? For asking other people to step up and do the right thing because he wouldn't??

At this point I informed the man that he should shut his mouth... I also informed him that he was getting what he wanted since someone else gladly gave up their seat. Fucking amazing...!

The flight wound up departing 45 minutes late since they couldn't board on time as a result of all this.

So here is my thing...how fucking selfish do you have to be to think your little bit of leg room is more important than providing access to someone who is handicapped? I am far from perfect, I haven't always held that door, meant it when I said thank you, or kept a rude comment to myself...but in general I think I am pretty decent. When everyone aboard a McDonnell Douglass Super80 thinks you are an asshole...chances are you are a fucking asshole.

****
Inconsiderates. Had I been a steward on that flight, I would have urninated in his spritzer & rubbed his pretzles on my ball sack. Guarrantee you this man will pass the Frisbee test.
Nice work

Strength through Peace??

What a dumb ass thought. Well intentioned and hopeful I'm sure, but another sorry attempt at a flawed philosophy.

This was a bumper sticker I saw on a Hybrid today.

Ronald Reagan, 20 some years ago, came up with the one of the most profound phrases of our generation. Peace through Strength.

Let's analyse this for a second. Peace through Strength. I interpret this as if I'm the baddest MF'er on the block (Strength), who really wants a piece of this? Therefore (Peace.)

Let's face it, no matter how nice you are, now matter how many good deeds you do (Peace), there is someone out there who won't like you. Whether it be the way you lead your life, your beliefs, or what you have. And someday, sometime, someone will challenge you to change or to take it.

If Mr. Mean sees two people on a street corner, Mr Peace and Mr Strength, who is the mark? The weak or the strong.

What strength do you achieve by peace? Yippee........ maybe a nice majority will like you, but there's still the lunatic who doesn't and you're weak ass will be primed for raping.

The last time I checked we don't live in Fantasy land.

I'd rather be Jewish

Ever since I learned that Santa Claus wasn't real, it's been downhill. That made the 11th grade a very depressing year.

Christmas has become a drag. If it wasn't for my 2 1/2 year old who is just getting into this fat dude in a red suit stuff, I'd convert to Judaism and just throw up a Menorah.

In order to just get my tree up, I must rearrange no less then 14 pieces of furniture. In order to set the household decorations, I must transfer 126 regular nicknack's into my bedroom. When I wake up in the morning and look at all the junk in there, I'm prepared to roll over and see Red Foxx from Sanford & Son lying next to me.

I electrocuted myself up to my armpit hanging the outside lights because I touched exposed wires that were sticking out of a broken bulb. (note to self, dont have them plugged in while stapling them to the roof while on a ladder)

You spend 20 days preparing for 1 day of delight.

Sandler may have been right. Instead of 1 day of presents they get 8 crazy nights.

And he doesn't need to call a moving company to get his Menorah into the front window.

Supercuts

I am a creature of habit. I know what works and what doesn't. I don't stray too far off the beaten path because I do not like the unknown. When I go to a familiar restaurant, I'll eat the same thing over and over because I know what I'm getting and I will leave there happy. I buy the same kind of car over and over because I know what I'm getting and won't be disappointed. I get my hair cut by the same girl because I know what I'm getting and I won't leave the shop with a perm I didn't ask for.

Could you only imagine the dismay on my face when I roll to Supercuts to find my girl tied up for 2 1/2 hours? 2 1/2 hours because she is doing some kind of gay frosty highlights on some guy. Some guy who isn't a year under 50.

This asswipe has my girl tied up so he can look like Mark McGrath. This dude had some kind of shower cap on, but it looked more like a tightly applied medical helmet that only wrapped the sides of his head. The top of the scull was bare and open. It looked as though he was being prepped for a lobotomy.

I wanted to walk over with a soup ladle, pull his scull up and dig in for some warm chili.

My routine, has been altered. Do you remember what Rainman looked like while he walked outside that ladys house because he was late for his date with the Peoples Court? Could you see Carl pacing back and forth in the lobby of Supercuts saying......"oh no.....oh no.......yeeaahh, this definately isn't good.....yeeeaahhh definately not good."

The Apocalypse was upon me.

Things I Hate: 8

One thing I have noticed about life on the left coast is the people. They are health conscious and better looking, however pretty shallow, shelfish, and self-aborbed.

Case and point…the knob that tries to get past you in the store aisle and says "Excuse you!" Hmmm…lets think about this for a second. If you are trying to get past me…odds are I was there first. If you look at the primal order of things, this would mean I have more right to that space then you do. I'm like Magellan and I found this mother! Thus, you should go with "Excuse me".

Since you are inconveniencing me, and asking me to stop sifting through Puma gear to allow you to pass…..........you my friend are in need of being excused in this case.

Perhaps the next time some slap says "Excuse you" while trying to pass me I will chuck him into the clothes rack, thump my chest and shout "NONE SHALL PASS!!!"

In general I think we face an overall degradation of manners in our society, I think this movement started in Cali. I think Mr. & Mrs 'cuse you maybe the same person who flicks their cigarette butt out the window while sporting their "Go Green" bumper sticker on their hybrid. They take 29 items into the 15 items or less line at the market, and spends $551 dollars on their outfit so they can look retro. Oh yah..most likely they talk on their cell phone at the gym too.

NICE AJ...

Protesters

Protesters are like 2 year old's. They kick and scream and yell until they get what they want. It seems as though there is a protest against everything. They're always marching down Main Street in the middle of the day.

And while there is a time, place and reason for protesting, not all are good and productive.

My first thought is.........don't you people have jobs? Why not assemble prior to 8am or after 5pm? Is it that you are you still shaking that dank hangover off and can't peel yourself out of your hammock, or are you busy manning up in front of Whole Foods every evening speaking hippie with the employees.

When our 2 year old's kick, scream and throw tantrums because they want to play with scissors, we ignore them until they stop. Giving in just reinforces them to do it again and again until they get what they want.

Just like society does with protesters.

The Natural Progression?

Everything is cyclical. Economics, nature, people, ......governments?

“A democracy cannot exist as a permanent form of government. It can only exist until the voters discover that they can vote themselves money from the public treasure. From that moment on the majority always votes for the candidates promising the most money from the public treasury, with the result that a democracy always collapses over loose fiscal policy followed by a dictatorship.
The average age of the world’s great civilizations has been two hundred years. These nations have progressed through the following sequence: from bondage to spiritual faith, from spiritual faith to great courage, from courage to liberty, from liberty to abundance, from abundance to selfishness, from selfishness to complacency from complacency to apathy, from apathy to dependency, from dependency back to bondage.”

Interesting.

My Visit to the Voting Booth

I wasn't really sure where I was supposed to report, so I just followed the signs that said "Voting Booth", .............in 5 languages.

When I found it and made my way inside I got to over hear 2 communists having a conversation about the pitiful performance and low approval ratings of the current administration. Granted, however Stalin & Gorbachev failed to mention the abysmal ratings their own pinko controlled congress. How convenient. I came close to offering my opinion, but changed my mind.

I also remembered that it wasn't necessary to show my ID to get my ballot, even though I was prepared to do so.

Soooooo, we offer voting assistance to every language that could swing a vote. And you don't need to be who you say you are to cast a ballot.

If you are too lazy, ignorant or incompetent not to have some type of state issued ID, you do not deserve a vote. Does someone living here for 20 years who can't (refuses) to speak english or has been here for 2 months, and can't speak english, earn the right to dictate how our country is run?

Only in America

Montgomery Brewster was a good pick. I wonder if the Geriatric collecting my ballot will have any idea who the hell that is.

Thought of the Day

This non daylight savings thing sucks. Unless you're a vampire or a burglar, why would you want the sun to go down at 3:15pm? What advantage in life do we gain from driving home from work in the dark or watching tv at 7:30, but you could have swore it was midnight?

When the sun goes down earlier aren't we now using more energy for light & heat? Doesn't this go against all priciples of combating Global Warming and energy usage?

Person I Hate

Richard Reid. Also known as The Shoe Bomber.

Do you remember when airport security was still somewhat normal? Even after 9/11? I mean, we didn't have to strip down anything that wouldn't trip the metal detectors. After all, the only thing the TSA people were looking for were standard issue weapons. Guns, Knives, Box Cutters, Hand Grenades, RPG's etc.

Now they have to be on the lookout for F'ing Shoe Bombs. WTF? The whole process of traveling has changed. And because racial profiling makes people cry, old people and infants who are both currently crapping in their pants as they go through security get a good ole Mexican Federali shakedown.

Over the weekend I saw a 1 year old get stripped of her tiny plastic & rubber shoes to get scanned. Come on, lets use some common sense. How F'ing stupid is that? I mean, there is more plastic & rubber mass in the elastic waistband of my god damn underware than there are in those shoes.

Whats next? Are we going to have to roll through the metal detectors donned in "The Worst Look Ever" so I can send my skibbies through the X-Ray machine?

If thats the case, I'm moving to Vegas and going to work the TSA Sunday morning shift to shakedown all the ho's on their way home from their weekend employment.

Things I Hate: 7

This is so long overdue. Right next to me being able to hear you chew your food, this is up there with some of the all time pet peeves.

Talking on the Cell Phones at the Gym: A contribution by AJ.

"""Cell phones are great, they cause brain cancer, car accidents and let us booty call sharks at 2AM. However, along with this miracle of modern mankind comes some negatives...

Take for example the waste of skin at the gym who blabs away on the bike going just over 11 RPMs, the treadmill going .03 MPH or the guy in the muscle shirt with one hand on the Blackberry and the other on the curl bar.

Now I am sure their are some great reasons to be on the phone at the gym.
You're a doctor on call for emergencies.
You're wife is 8months, 3 weeks and 6 days pregnant and baby be coming any minute.
Ted Striker is on the other end and you are talking him through landing a 747 into Chicago.
Regis called and you need to help your friend decide if the Congo is longer and the Nile for 1 Million bucks.
Or maybe you're such a tool that you need other people to notice you and think you're so important you're taking calls at the gym.

Maybe you should just shut your hole and break a sweat...Hey Alexander G. Bell, if you can carry a conversation you aren't pushing yourself hard enough..."""

-Man, leave that shit in the car for 40 minutes. You're not going to die without it.
I recently (name to remain anonymous) received a text making fun of the no sleeved dude, utilizing his cell phone while getting swoll, at the gym. My response?: "aren't you in the gym also using your cell phone?"

Ted Striker: All time drop!

Facebook

Facebook is interesting every once in a while for a couple minutes............and then it turns gay again.

Facebook is nothing more than a way to become an electronic pack rat. However, it's not physical and useless crap that you're hoarding, now you're just stockpiling...."friends".

When you're a pack rat you collect pieces of shit. Shit like a clay figurine mice dressed as a Nazi soldiers. And for a day or two it gives you some kind of euphoric boost.

"Dang, these are cool. I have to keep them forever."

But after a day or two you forget about them, never look at them and could care less if you ever see them again. However, you keep the Third Reich because you are a pack rat.


Facebook allows you to electronically collect shit (ie friends). Friends who you haven't heard from, haven't seen or even heard about in 15 years suddenly pop up in your inbox requesting to be "friends."

Wow.........the euphoric boost! "Hey man....how are you? Haven't seen you in half my lifetime, but what are you up to?"


And that conversation might go back and forth a couple times. But then like the Nazi Mice, they just disappear into your collection of crap never to be heard from again.

Telemarketers

They always seem to hit at the same time. Dinner time. Any coincidence? No, because we're all at home.
Despite what some would think, I actually try to be courteous to these people until it's time not to be. As gross and as frustrating their job is I understand that they are working and trying to earn a paycheck. I feel that is better & more honorable then receiving a paycheck from The Chrysler. I just try my best not to spend too much time with them.

However, the Telemarketers/Evening callers that I have found new joy in speaking with are....................The Debt Collectors. (no they're not calling for me) (yet)

Apparently some slut named Celia had my phone number before me and didn't like to pay her bills. She probably didn't have a job and probably still doesn't. (bet I know who she'll vote for)

Anyway, these debt collectors call and I immediately paint a picture in my head.

Smoke filled room. Overweight white female or ratty white dude. Rock Star and Kool Menthols on the desk. Meth in the pencil drawer. Now calls me and grills me on the whereabouts of Celia.

No matter what I say or what I've asked, they eventually always call back. Have now for years. So if they're going to call back, I might as well have fun.

"Hi can I speak to Celia?"
"Um...who's calling?"
"That's of a private matter"
"Well you just called my house"
"This is Allied Interstate"
"Allied the Moving company?"
"IS CELIA THERE?"
"No"
"Where is she?"
"How the F do I know cocksucker? She hasn't had this number for the past 4 years, but you methheads continue to call here."
"So you don't know Celia?
"Did I stutter?"
"Why are you getting irate?"
"I'm not, I just don't like you."

......And on and on and on. It's actually a lot of fun. It sharpens the skill of wit. And then when I don't feel like verbal combat, I just save it for another day.

The Band-Aid

This morning at Starbucks:

There was no sign of Conrad. There was no sign of Al Davis. But the Band-Aid was there, with his toupee, at 6:50 in the morning, apparently looking to conversate.

He picked the wrong guy.

We've never spoken before. Not even exchanged polite pleasantries. However, I'm sure he's seen me before as I've been going there for 3 1/2 years..........and I think he lives there.

As I stood at my favorite 2x2 sq ft of area in the shop, the sugar counter, The Band-Aid bellies up next to me.

"Hey, the market has really tightened up this morning."

"WHAT? What the hell is going on over at Albertsons?" The Market? The Market!!?

Listen pal, you tell me something crazy about the market, I'm on my way over to Vons to make sure they're not running out of Rocky Road ice cream. I don't care about the market and I don't want to talk to you. I don't like talking to people that I don't know PERIOD, let alone at 6:50 in the morning. Seriously, you're talking to the wrong guy.

I'm already struggling for power and position at the god damn sugar counter trying to box these fools out and be on my way. I don't need to jam up my flow by starting a conversation with some Starbucks groupie who got caught five fingering brownies at Stater Brothers.

A Public Service Announcement from AJ

Things WE Hate:

"""I think we can all agree the new millennium has brought about many changes that have benefited society as a whole. HDTV, DVRs, Online Bill Pay, Internet, emailing, etc. What about one of the alltime convenient and simplistic inventions of all time. The Debit Card?

However, there are those who long for the old days and refuse using those complicated card swipe machines found at every register in every type of store on the planet (yes even Mexico).

These fossils choose to kick it old school and manually scribe the name of the store, amount (both numerical and alphabetical), look up the date, and then sign their name. In the amount of $3.14.

I guess this is ok…...when your not one of the 15 people in line behind them. We must wait our F'ing turn to buy 2 things, swipe our card and get on with our life in under 2 minutes.

My favorite part is waiting for this person to fish their ID out of their wallet so the clerk can write down their driver's license number on their check. Seriously..if you are writing a check, shouldn't you expect to show your ID?

There is ample time to prep your check prior to greating the clerk. But some refuse. Inconsiderate and uneccessary.

Maybe those people in Logan's Run were on to something…"""

Wow, Logans Run!!!! Great pull! I'll roll to Sanctuary with that ho any day.

Having the Newest Gadgets

Those who know Carl, know that Carl has never been one that needs the latest and greatest. I'm simple with simple needs. I don't go run out and get the latest iPod or iPhone. I don't have state of the art media equipment at the house. I'm actually surprised that I have HDtv & DVR.

However.

I am ready to make an impulse buy on a new gadget.

You know those heavy duty, triangular, solid steel, ramming things that are on the front of trains? Those things that can move cars or large objects off the tracks as the trains wiz by? I'm going to install one of those things on the front of the Fusion and ram ever muther sucker that enjoys driving 20 miles an hour slower than the speed limit.

The Worst Look Ever: Part 2

I know you've seen this guy.

They guy with the bald head (but shaved), hoop earing, goatee, .............and an NFL jersey. .................But it's Wednesday.

This look is the worst(second worst). Come on....I know that you know this guy. He's the guy you've seen in that photo. The photo of him at his 2yr olds birthday party, ....chin up....wearing his raiders jersey, with his homeboys, throwing up the "West Side", with NO smile.

Possible Accessory: Flat Bill Hat

Extra points for those kooks who put their OWN name on the back of their jersey

Things I Hate: 6

"Hello, this is Sir Dr. Carl Limar MD, PhD, MBA & JD"

Have you ever been on the receiving end of a telephone call where someone, that you don't know, introduces themselves as Dr?

Unless you are my personal physician, I don't give an F who you are. I'm not going to bow to you like your fat office staff that you crap all over does.

Should I respect you any more than the next guy because you went to school for a long time?

Leave your God complex at the door.

The irony is that I'd give you better treatment if you played Joe Normal as opposed to trying to gain better treatment playing the Dr. Card.

Score one for the Chrysler

This has nothing to do with the 1st debate of the presidential race, but if The Chrysler doesn't just wrap this up like a jimmy hat on an 18 yr old on prom night, it's beyond me.

We have screwed this whole thing up bad. In my humble opinion, the basic conservative fundamental philosophies are correct. However, the basic ideology is just a vehicle. We still need someone to drive this thing.

A Ferrari is a superior vehicle, but if there's a drunk behind the wheel, it's not going to perform.

Over the past 8 years with The Monkey, we've endured:
9/11
A war
Katrina
The housing crisis
The economic crisis

How the F do you defend that? You can't.

No matter how The Coat Hanger spins his plans, you still have to reflect on the past 8 years as being part of his base philosophies.

The Chrysler is going to run away with this thing.

To0 bad when he takes office not a a thing will CHAAAAAANGGEEEEE..........

But we'll have HOPE that it will. Because YES WE CAN.

Apparently, those 3 things are the solve alls.

Baseball Sucks

Among many things, Baseball does some gay stuff.

They call their coach a manager. A manager? Don't you find managers in cubes asking how many calls you made today? Every other sport calls their coach.............Coach.

Why do their "Managers" wear baseball uniforms? You have old fat bald dudes in uniforms and cleats. Cleats?!?! WTF do they need cleats for? Think about that. Some tub like Lasorda sitting there sweating in the dugout wearing the same uni that his players are. Like he's going to grab a helmet and pinch run for someone at 1st.

Could you imaging this happening in other sports? Could you see Charlie Weis and Andy Reed in full gear with a headset over their helmet? Lou Holtz?

Could you see Phil Jackson wearing a tank top, XXXXL shorts and a headband walking up and down the court?

Michael Phelps' coach in the front row of the stands in a Speedo?

Seriously, how ludicrous is that?

It's better to give than to receive.

Being the staunch religious man that I am, I believe that this is one of the 10 Commandments or Golden Rules or something like that.

Either way, I've always found that there is more joy in giving than always looking to receive. It's more fulfilling to share than to hoard or be greedy.

I'll admit. I'm a simple person with simple needs and wants. It makes life easy for me when my needs & wants are small. And when I have more than I need and have the ability to provide for others I would much prefer to share what I have.

It brings me great joy to share dog shit with others. No really, it does. When I'm fortunate enough to see the loaf just before I run it over with the mower, splattering shit on my ankles, I make the choice to give.

I find the nearest stick and flick the dog shit onto the sidewalk for ALLLLLLLL to enjoy. I mean, why should I be the only one to enjoy it? Mushy, Dry, Stinky & Slimy. It doesn't matter. It finds it's way onto the sidewalk for everyone.

I do wonder though. When the "neighbor of the year" walks by the next morning and notices his dogs feces on the sidewalk and not my grass where he left it, does a light bulb go off? Do they sit back and say, "Oh, maybe this guy didn't want me to leave Fido's yam on the grass."

Doubtful.

The Fatwa Has Been Lifted

Ed,
Don't go Bill Buckner on us and land in some obscure mountain town and surround your home with mines and machine gun nests. Don't wrap your head in foil to keep the evil from entering your head and chewing on brain. The Fatwa has been lifted.

How can you you hate this guy.

http://sports.yahoo.com/nfl/blog/shutdown_corner/post/Ed-Hochuli-is-very-frowny-after-the-disaster-in-?urn=nfl,108018

Ed Huchuli:

I have ordered a Fatwa of death for you. DEATH!

There is a nice hot seat waiting for you in hell where that XXS polyester striped shirt will melt to your skin for eternity.

Dear David Beckham,

Go Away.

Yeah, I realize you've sleighed more ho's than King Arthur. I realize your wife is smoking hot, in a Martian kind of way. And I realize that all the wives goo goo over you.

But, go away.

I am tired of seeing you on ads and magazine covers looking like some kind of bad ass you're not. Why do you try and look like you just punched through someones sternum, grabbed their heart and took a bite out of it before they hit the floor? Are you an MMA fighter? Are you Bruce Lee reincarnate? Why you always trying to look hard?

Do you realize you're a soccer player? An over the hill soccer player? You ain't Tom Brady. You aint Timberlake. You're a Grass Fairy.

Go style your eyebrows so you look dangerous. Go stuff a potato down your BVD's so it looks like you have root. Go ink yourself up some more so you look like 50. In fact, go shoot yourself 9 times and try not to miss your head.

Or just please, go away.

We're all Gonna Die!

Those guys who are Wicked Smaht are back.

The Large Hadron Collider is set to demolish the Earth on Wednesday. For those non-nerds, the Large Hadron Collider is that $10Billion thing they have spent 200 years building over in Switzerland. The LHC is that thing that is going to accelerate atom particles to re-create the Big Boom. The LHC is that thing that is going to let the F'ing Klingons enter the Earth through a worm hole created and destroy us.

Seriously. Science is cool and all, but this might be one of the coolest experiments of all time. Right next to feeding seagulls Alkaselters and watching to see if their guts explode at 100 feet. Even though experiments might be cool and answer questions that have been baffling people for centuries, are they really necessary?

Ok, what happens if we figure out how the Universe works a little better? That's not going to help me pay my bills. That's not going to keep my Chargers from letting me down time and time again. So whats the point? I realize the chances are SOOOO remote that I'll be seeing Klingons vaporize people in line at Starbucks, but if there is a possibility for throwing the Earth out of rotation, why do it?

I'm all for progress, but unless we have a feeling that we know there's a way to cure cancer by doing this, is it really worth the risk?

Things I Hate: 5

Field Goal Kickers...................I mean Soccer players who strap up in pads.

They aren't one of us. They'll never be one of us. They are "Idiot Kickers" and they have 1 job to do. Kick the oblong through the goal posts.

They don't practice with the team, but you know they're on the team. Every day at practice, you see them in the distance..........kicking field goals with the..........back up kicker......err.....other soccer player. They kick from both hashes, long and short, from behind the posts, from the parking lot banking off cars. All through the uprights.

Thats what they do for 3 f'ing hours while the real football players practice.

Come game day, they let you down. Not always, but enough. Chip shots should be automatic. FREAKING AUTOMATIC! You can not let your team down by choking a god dammed chip shot.

Possibly this is why Pop Warner is much less aggravating then College, Pro and even high school. Because, in Pee Wee league theres a good chance that the guy kicking the ball is wearing a neck roll, wearing #56, throws the ball on offense and plays middle backer on D. And if he misses, he's still one of you.

As opposed to the soccer player standing there with his stupid elf shoe (singular), styrofoam shoulder pads, spandex game pants and his Joe Theisman facemask enhancing his view.

Flip Flopping

Here I sit, watching the local High School pep rally ........err.........The Republican National Convention.

Dude, these people are weird. And I love how the camera keeps panning to the 3 black peoples in the crowd as well as the 1 or 2 good looking men and women in the crowd. Who they kidding? They're in Minnesota. Bunch of pasty, fat white folk up there.

Anyhow, after watching this I am totally inspired. I think I'm going to vote now. I know that's a Flip Flop, but if our politicians can do it so can I.

Come November, I will cast my vote for:

Montgomery Brewster: None of the Above

Things I Hate: 4

Why do all Hurricane Reporters report, on location, outdoors, in triple gale force winds, with a god damn baseball cap on?

Scenario:

"In, 3,..... 2,...... 1, you're on....."

"Good morning, this is Victor Delgado reporting live from New Orleans where Hurricane Gusto.........WHOOOOAAAAA, HOLY COW, THERE GOES MY HAT!"

Really??? No F'ing shit.

120 mile an hour winds tends to blow things around a bit. Why do they try and add effect to their reporting? As if we can't see the Volkswagon twirling through the air behind them.

I hate reporters.

Clifford the Big Red Dog is a Racist

How can this be? Aren't we past these racist stereotypes? Especially in a PBS kids show?

PBS isn't re-running episodes from the 70's, these are all new. These new episodes are stuffed full of new, modern day, P.C. moral messages to our youth.

But,...how could they be so shallow?

Every morning I engage in about 90 minutes of tv suited for a 2 year old. The latest episode of Clifford the Big Red Dog had Clifford saving the day by being able to dig massive holes and build dirt walls to save the town from an oncoming storm.

As Clifford is digging and digging, the town folk is commenting and cheering him on. HOORAAY CLIFFORD! GO CLIFFORD! CLIFFORD WE LOVE YOU!

And then they pan to a gentlemen with a nice thick black moustache, a pancho and a shovel draped over his shoulder. Out of his mouth comes............in your best migrant worker accent, ......."Cleeefoooord, I chore like da way you deeeeeig."

WTF.

Thank god The Chrysler will get us past all this soon.